“The problem, simply put, is that we cannot
choose everything simultaneously. So we live in danger of becoming paralyzed by
indecision, terrified that every choice might be the wrong choice.” –Elizabeth
Gilbert
It’s no surprise to me that upon looking up
quotes about decisions, the one I ended up loving the most comes from one of my
favorite writers, Elizabeth Gilbert. After all, it’s her way of writing that
prompted me to embrace my love of writing a few years ago. Writer love or no
writer love, her quote struck a chord with me, for recently I came to a place
where I couldn’t make a decision to save my life and for a while I looked
everywhere but inside to find it. This is the story of indecisions, wrong
decisions and new decisions and learning to look within.
I moved to San Francisco two years ago. With
drive in my eyes and fire in my soul, I was ready to take on a new adventure
and every challenge and new beginning that came my way. My first year in San
Francisco was everything I had hoped it would be and everything I never
imagined it could be. Opportunities, new friendships, new experiences, new love;
everything one hopes for in life all seemed to be coming my way. It was good.
It was really good.
2012 showed up. My New Years Eve started off
rocky. Maybe I’m a little too superstitious (perhaps it’s the baseball fan in
me), but I remember wondering if it was a sign of what was to come. Knowing
what I know now of the last 10 months, I think I was onto something.
Despite the rough NYE, it seemed like the New
Year was going to turn out okay. In the first month of 2012, I received a
promotion at work, moved into a new place with my boyfriend, I had the
opportunity to spend time both in the Bay Area and in Seattle for work. It all
seemed right. The suddenly, everything new and exciting began to feel
unsettling. Personal things became less than ideal. The new role had
unexpected challenges. The travel back home to Seattle for work began to feel
more daunting than exciting. It all began to unravel.
As luck would have it, I had to start making
some decisions much of which circled around two key choices: to stay or to go. While there were a number of decisions that I had to begin making, there was one major
one that impacted me in a way I never thought it really could.
When my job afforded me the chance to live in
San Francisco and travel frequently to Seattle for work, it seemed too good to
be true. Live in one of the best cities in the world and travel to my hometown
(an equally great city) on a monthly basis… really? Then one day my company
gave me an opportunity that doesn't come around too often: move back to my hometown of
Seattle and be a part of a brand new office there. It all made so much sense on
paper. My hometown. My family. My old friends. My roots. My networks. Work in
an entrepreneurial environment, be a trailblazer in the company, have office
and work from home flexibility, keep a San Francisco salary in a Seattle
market. Where do I sign?
That was the problem. I couldn’t decide whether
or not to sign. Granted, I had a number of factors weighing in on my decision
to move back to Seattle- a relationship, family in Seattle, friends in San
Francisco, bosses who needed answers. Everyone had an opinion;
everyone knew what was in my best interest. There was no real wrong decision,
but there was no real right one either and depending on whom you asked, wrong
and right could be argued for both cases.
I did what seemed like the most logical thing
to do- pick up the shiny penny and take the opportunity in Seattle. But, as I
made my decision official, everything inside fell apart. My stomach ached as I
told my bosses I would move. Every time I went back to Seattle for work, I felt
irritated by the fact that I was there. Every time someone asked if I was
excited to move, I couldn’t find it in me to simply say, “Yes!” But all the
while, I tried to stay positive and look for all the reasons why it made sense
to go.
As my move date neared and more and more people
learned that I had decided to go, I literally began to physically respond to
my decision. I didn’t sleep for weeks and could barely eat. The girl who once
finished everything on her plate could barely finish a string cheese. Hours of
sleep and too much weight lost, I finally began to realize what was really
going on: I had made the wrong decision.
While there were no doubt a lot of factors
weighing in on my initial decision to move to Seattle, the one thing I
struggled to do was drown out the noise and chatter of what everyone else
thought I should do and what everyone else wanted and listen to my own internal
self. Then one day, I finally put everyone and everything else on mute and from
that point on things became much more visible.
It became clear to me that although a great
opportunity was in front of me, I wasn’t ready to leave what I came to San
Francisco to do. I came here to try something new. I came here to spread my
wings. I came here for opportunity in a new place. I came here to meet new
people, experience new things, face new challenges and learn more about me in a
new environment. I came here because I wanted to and because I could. I did it
on my own, without anyone else telling me I should or had to. I did it because
it felt right and because it was right.
It’s been over a month since I told my bosses
that I would no longer be moving to Seattle. Ever since that day, I have felt
the biggest sense of relief imaginable. I sleep again. I eat full meals again.
I smile again. I feel light again. Not a day has gone by since then that I
haven’t thought to myself, “I am so glad I’m staying.”
I’ve had a lot of time in the last few weeks to
think about how I came to the decision to move to Seattle and then the decision
to stay in San Francisco, but tonight I enjoyed something that put it all back
into symbolic perspective.
As I took myself on a solo romantic date
through the city that’s captured my heart. I found myself alone on a grassy
hill, devouring a pint of ice cream, soaking up the warm Indian Summer air in
October and reflecting on that fact that my two year SF anniversary is nearing.
Not a cloud in the sky, stars shining, the Bay glistening and the sounds of the
city echoing while I sat there alone with my thoughts and my ice cream. I
thought about how thankful I was to be there. I thought about the fact that if
I hadn’t listened to myself, I wouldn’t even be sitting there enjoying that ice
cream and the stunning view in front of me. Then all of the sudden in the
corner of my eye a shooting star shot through the sky that is normally clouded
with SF’s notorious fog. It was literally like something out of damn Disney
movie!
I smiled, finished my spoonful of ice cream,
made my wish and walked back to my apartment with the reassurance that I really had made the right decision.
Lesson learned: When something inside of you is "speaking"- listen. It might just be a good decision after all.
