“Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and
transparent anyway.”
Mother Teresa said that. And there’s something I’m learning-
she’s right.
There’s an entire TED Talk about the power of vulnerabilityby Brene Brown. It’s great and if you haven’t watched it, you should. Much of
what I have to say here isn’t really anything profound or ground breaking. It’s
all been said before, in one way or another on some other platform or talk or
blog, I am quite sure. But, it’s my experience and interpretation that I want
to share, and perhaps, it might strike a chord with you, too.
Vulnerability is an interesting thing. According to Brown,
it centers around the need for connection and the worthiness we feel in ourselves.
She says, “In order for there to be connection, we have to allow ourselves to
be seen.” But, in order to be seen, we have to feel we are worthy, because
without worthiness, we have fear. Fear of rejection, fear of what others will
think. Fear of disconnection.
There was a period of my life in my early 20’s in which
vulnerability terrified me, especially romantically. I don’t think that makes
me all that different from a lot of people, but one thing I discovered was that
vulnerability sometimes felt safe, but more than anything, it was limiting.
I knew I wanted certain things in my life, but I learned the
hard way that without the ability to be vulnerable, it wasn’t going to come
easy.
Over time, I began to learn how to release the need to play it
safe and embrace vulnerability. It took a lot of courage and a lot of self-talk
and a lot of belief in myself, but I found it. Once I put myself out there and
allowed myself to be vulnerable, especially in relationships, I found myself
surrounded by the kind of experiences I was looking and longing for.
However, with vulnerability can sometimes come exactly the
things we are most afraid of, and that can the hardest part of all.
The thing about vulnerability is that it’s a choice you
make. You’re choosing to put yourself out there and in almost all cases, it
usually ties back to another person. You have the control over whether or not
you choose to be vulnerable, but you have no control over how the other person
or persons on the receiving end will treat that.
Vulnerability and boundaries are an interesting little duo.
Sometimes, too many boundaries make it hard for us to allow vulnerability in,
but without some boundaries, we set ourselves up for being taken advantage of.
I believe this is where instinct and emotional intelligence are important, but
that’s another topic for another time, although quite relevant to this topic.
Once we have determined that a boundary is healthy enough,
we then have to decide if we are willing to let go of the bow lines we
oftentimes tie ourselves to and release ourselves into that vulnerable
situation- whatever that may be.
The interesting thing is that some of my best examples of
vulnerability have actually turned out to bring about the things I was most
afraid of.
In a recent friendship with a good girlfriend of mine, I had
shared a lot of things with with her opened myself up and let her into some
very personal parts of my life, as she did for me. Unfortunately, we had a
temporary falling out and it left me wondering if I made a mistake in letting
this friend get so close.
Anytime we allow friends into a personal and private place,
we are making ourselves vulnerable. Trusting that they will hold onto that with
care and treat us with the same love and respect we feel for them. Despite our
short hiccup, we managed to work things out and I learned that being vulnerable
and going through that experience only made us closer.
In another friendship, in which the lines between friendship
and intimacy blurred, I made the choice to remain vulnerable; to share my
feelings that were developing and to put myself out there. I wasn’t so much
afraid that the feelings weren’t mutual as much as I was afraid that I wouldn’t
get a clear understanding as to how he felt- one way or the other. The very
thing I was afraid of, is exactly what happened. I was more afraid of there
being a lack of concern for addressing my feelings than I was even about there
being mutual feelings! While it certainly didn’t feel good to not have those
feelings addressed, it did teach me a lot about what you learn about people in
the process and how we are all different in the way we handle things.
In my most recent relationship, my biggest fear in being as
fully vulnerable as you could possibly be in a relationship, was that
emotionally, that person would or could hurt me and sure enough, that’s exactly
what happened. The one thing that terrified me, ended up being our biggest
downfall and ultimately the thing that drove us apart. I could have come out of
that relationship, terrified to put myself out there again. But, had I not put
myself out there to begin with, I never would have had the experiences that
were not only memorable in positive ways, but also the ones that taught me a
lot about myself and relationships.
Even in jobs I’ve found myself in situations in which I had
to buck up and be vulnerable. I’ve had to tell bosses about situations that
were less than glamorous. I’ve chosen to open up and share ideas or thoughts,
even if I wasn’t entirely sure if they were going to be received well. Be it at
work, in social settings and even with this blog. Sometimes, I’ve been right
and sometimes I’ve been wrong.
Regardless of the outcome of each situation, I never
regretted allowing myself to be vulnerable. Not even in my deepest heartbreak.
Sometimes, I wonder if my fears in various situations,
including these were a little bit of intuition at play. Maybe some of our fears
in vulnerability come from a very real place. But, at the same time, had I not
allowed those experiences to play out and not put myself out there, I never
would have learned from them. I would have sat back and wondered.
In all three of those situations, there was always one
constant: allowing myself to be vulnerable, which ultimately, lead to being
happier.
My friendship, which remains strong, with my girlfriend has
almost always made me happy. The friendship that temporarily moved towards
intimacy, made me happy at the time and the learnings I’ve taken can only lead
to future happiness in my life. And of course, in my relationship there were
many, many happy moments and that situation more than any have set me up for
what I know will inevitably be a lifetime of happiness down the road.
One of my favorite quotes from Brown’s speech is, “What
makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful.” I believe this. I believe this is
true because the most beautiful people are the happiest people and while I am
still learning what all the pillars to happiness are, I truly believe,
vulnerability is one of them.
Be vulnerable. Be beautiful. Be you.
