Love, Your 20-Something Sister

This week is my last week of being a 20-something. Like everyone else who’s been closing in on the last few days of their 20s, I find myself feeling a little extra reflective, in a little bit of denial and also really fucking proud and excited.

Although I’m nearly 30, I’m lucky enough to have a whole bunch of siblings much, much younger than me. I have three brothers ages 25, 13 and 2. I also have two sisters, ages 14 and 5. That’s a lot of humans to love and also a lot of humans to worry about.

I’ve spent some time thinking about the advice I could give them after going through the last decade of my 20s. The thing that resonated with me most, is that your 20s are really all about learning what it is you want and deserve in your life.

These are some of the things I hope they’re able to learn. I didn’t have a super adult sibling to give me any tricks of the trade, but maybe, just maybe this will help all of them as they/when they navigate through their 20s. 

To my siblings who are reading or one day will read this--- these are the things you deserve:

You deserve a job/career that fulfills you. That makes you excited to get out of bed in the morning. You deserve a job that you’re proud to walk into every single day and get shit done for.

You deserve a partner that loves you unconditionally, that makes you feel like the very best version of yourself. You deserve a partner who respects you, cares for you, supports you and always makes you feel special and important, a partner who takes care of your needs as much as he/she takes care of their own.

You deserve to forgive yourself and others. It’s so important. It’s the key to healing your pain and finding authentic happiness.

You deserve to make mistakes. We all do. Mistakes are what teach us to do better the next time around. They shape us. They make us. They help us grow.

You deserve to surround yourself with good friends. Friends are  a pivotal pillar in our lives. They are the family we actually get to choose. Choose them wisely. When you choose the good ones, keep them forever.

You deserve to have a relationship with your family in a manner that serves you well. Everyone has had their own familial experiences. Some people have great ones, some (most) are up and down and some are down right awful. You deserve whatever relationship gives you the right balance of boundaries, safety, love and comfort.

You deserve to treat yourself. Whatever that is for you. It can be as extravagant as a trip around the world, or as simple as a bubble bath and a glass of wine, or a cigar and a beer on your patio. Whatever that is- do it; simply because you deserve it.

You deserve respect, kindness and honesty. Anyone who does not give you that, is not worth your time.

You deserve to love yourself. Don't be afraid to do this. You MUST do this. Loving yourself will give you the ability to love others fully, whole heartedly and healthily. 

You deserve the life you dream of. The life that when you close your eyes and envision, your whole heart swells, your palms sweat a little, and you get a wave of energy that runs through your whole body. Whatever that life looks like for you, go get it. It may take time, it may take a lot of work and effort, but dammit, it is WORTH it.

You are worth it.  You deserve it.

With All My Love, 

Your Almost 30-Something Sister

Love More. Worry Less.

Sounds pretty simple, right? I think it can be.

Over the last month or so, I’ve had my fair share of worries in front of me. Some of them were fair, others I’ve created myself. But, in all cases the worry made me feel stressed and scared and sometimes sick to my stomach. When I’m stressed or scared or feel a sense of uncertainty, I can become my own worst enemy and that is something I certainly don’t want for myself or anyone close to me. 

It was usually the worries that resulted in the risk of losing something important to me that ate at me the most, so I decided it was time to figure out how to conquer them.

You can meditate, you can exercise, you can write in your journal, you can do all kinds of things, and I believe all of those things help, too. But, what helped me the most was love.

When I took the time to focus on love, the worry felt more manageable.

Love can be practiced in a lot of different forms. When I began to worry and felt the worry taking over my ability to get through the day, I paused to love more.

I snuggled with my dog. I did something special for my boyfriend. I called a family member. I sent thank you cards. I checked in on friends. I helped a stranger. I donated my time/funds. I planted some flowers. I looked in the mirror and reminded myself that everything was going to be okay.

It turns out, the more time I spent loving, the better the things I was worried about became. And, simultaneously, in all cases there was someone else on the receiving end getting in a little love in return.

Whatever worries you’re facing today, conquer them with a little extra love.

What Would You Regret?

Many will argue that there’s really no place in life for regret. The idea being that every experience we encounter has the ability to teach us something and there is tremendous value in expanding ourselves through life experience.

I mostly believe this.

If you look back on your life, especially the deepest, darkest, hardest, most challenging parts, you can probably pinpoint something you had or hadn’t done that defined that experience, or at the very least contributed. Maybe it wasn’t the darkest time. Maybe it was simply a moment when you had a decision to make and you made one that took you down a longer, harder path than the other choice could have lead you.

While it’s true that all of our experiences do have a lesson to teach us and offer us a deeper understanding of ourselves and our lives (if we choose to do the work needed to get there); there are also choices we make that we may always wish we had chose differently. And that is absolutely normal and okay.

I’m going to share with you a story that has stuck with me for the last six months. It’s a story that has left me thinking a lot about the idea of regret. It’s tugged at the very core of my being that asks itself, “Am I living my life they way I want to be living it?” and “Am I loving the people I love the way I want to be loving them?”

A few days after Thanksgiving, I was traveling back to San Francisco. It was your average flight. A little bit of a delay, a few bumps of turbulence (which always feels like the end of my life flashing before my eyes… I’m one of those people). Four hours later, we landed. Like modern day clockwork, most everyone stood up and crowded each other as if it might help them get off the back of the plane faster. Of course, we all reached for our cell phones and simultaneously, one message alert after another chimed off.

Within a minute or so of cell phones ringing and people crowding, the sound of a heavy sob began echoing through the back of the plane. It was the heart wrenching cry of a woman still sitting in her window seat, sandwiched between a bunch of anxious travelers ready to make their exit.

These weren’t just your average sad cries. The sound of her cries carried the kind of gut sinking, mind numbing, life altering pain that was so powerful I could literally feel her pain in my own stomach. 

My boyfriend and I looked at each other with tears in our eyes over all the possible things that whatever message was just delivered could have been. I wanted so badly  to climb over the several rows and numerous people blocking between us and go over to her and hug her and help her. I knew there wasn’t much help that could be offered to someone in that much agony, but at the very least a hug could make her feel less alone. I found myself growing anxious over the fact that no one near her was doing that. And then finally, a stranger close to her put a hand to her shoulder and asked if she was okay.

The sobbing woman, between her gasping, choking breaths said, “She’s gone. My mom just died before we landed and I didn’t make it in time to say goodbye.”

At that point, there was nothing I or anyone else around me could do to keep the tears from rolling out of our eyeballs. It was as if all the pain this woman was expelling from her body had entered into everyone around her, and we all just stood there in the back of the plane crying, holding our loved ones next to us, while this woman and the stranger who finally consoled her cried together.

A million thoughts went through my mind. From all the possible reasons why she wasn’t with her mother on Thanksgiving weekend, to when the last time she saw her was, to wondering what their relationship was like. I wondered if her mom had been sick or if something unexpected had happened. I wondered a lot of things. I will always wonder these things. I will never actually know.

I wonder about this woman often. I wonder about her healing process. I wonder if she feels regret. I wonder if she’s doing okay.

What I walked away thinking about that day, was what if I were in her shoes? I imagine, as hard as this is to say out loud that I would probably always regret never getting the chance to say goodbye to my mother or my father or my grandparents or anyone else important to me in my life.

This experience reminds me of just how precious and unexpected life can be. It reminds me that we go about our days assuming we will have always be granted the next. That we will always have time to make that phone call, or have that hard conversation, or quit that job that makes us miserable, or start that exercise program, or quit that bad habit, or forgive that person who did that awful thing, or say we’re sorry for that awful thing we did.

In the last three weeks, one of my best friends almost lost her life unexpectedly. Another friend unexpectedly found out that she has a brave battle ahead of her to fight for her own life. All examples of healthy, happy people who have been living their life just like we all do and have and were suddenly faced with a battle to save their own.

So, I end this by saying—if you were the girl on the plane or my friends who have a tangible look at life and death, what would you regret?

What would you change? Who would you make things right with? Where would you choose to go? How would you live life differently so that when the people you love inevitably pass, or equally as tough to think about, if your days become numbered—what could you do to feel good about the choices you made and the choices you can make today?

We all have a little regret in our lives. We all also have a choice to lessen the amount of it.

Teachable Moments

Every so often, a hot topic in the media comes out that lights a fire within me that is so fierce, I could warm a small apartment by myself. 

If you’re suffering from cold apartment temperatures, then allow me to come over and then proceed to ask me about Ray Rice beating his fiancé in an elevator and I’ll have you warm in no time.

It’s not just Ray Rice. It’s not just the utterly embarrassing patchwork job the NFL has been doing to try to rectify their inconsistent behavior in dealing with the issue. It’s the fact that these stories even exist in the first place. 

Earlier today, I had the TV playing in the background. Half listening, I suddenly found myself tuned in when I heard the words, “Husband spanked his wife repeatedly with a wooden spoon when she refused to call him ‘sir’”.

What. The. Fuck. 

I realize we don’t live in a perfect world. I realize that people make mistakes. I realize that many people who make the choices they do to beat, verbally abuse and/or sexually mistreat others are dealing with some pretty disturbing issues themselves. I realize these people need as much help as the victims they hurt. 

I realize that in the end, forgiveness is necessary to move forward. 

But what I also realize is that these stories- these absolutely repulsively sick issues out there, are also teachable moments.

If you have a son or a daughter or a sister or a brother or a niece or a nephew or some sort of little person in your life, I hope you take it upon yourself to use stories like these as examples. 

Examples of what is ok and what is not. Of what it means to treat others with respect. Of what it means to not tolerate anyone who may be mistreating you in any way, shape or form. 

I’m tired of the stories of bullying. I’m tired of hearing about people being beat. I’m tired of hearing about kids being inappropriately touched, and women (and men) being taken advantage of. I’m tired of hearing that strong, confident people are brought down to feeling like nothing. 

I do believe, deep down, that in the end, there’s a lot of good in the world. A lot more good than we are usually exposed to in the media, and I also believe we should take it upon ourselves to find that good our daily lives. 

With that said, I also believe it’s our responsibility to teach the ones we have influence over the importance of what’s right and what’s wrong. Of how to handle feelings and emotions appropriately and of how to handle oneself when someone might be taking advantage of them. 

I am. I will. I hope you do and will, too. 

Depression Is A Lot Like Cancer: A Personal Story

When I was 18, I found a loved one who had committed suicide.

It was one of the strangest, saddest and honestly, most traumatic days of my life. To this day, that memory hardly feels real. It’s news like the death of Robin Williams that brings that memory back to the surface, in a way that I can barely explain. I guess that’s where writing comes in. I imagine, for anyone else who has experienced suicide, this news probably stirs up old emotions for you, too. 

It’s news like this that reminds me what depression is, what it does and what it can do. It also reminds me, just how quickly it can take the lives of the ones we love, when we least expect it.

Robin William’s death is sad and tragic no matter how it happened. It’s a loss for his family and his friends and it’s a loss for his fans. But, what makes this story even harder is when you realize the loss of life comes from such a deeply sad place. A place of such incomprehensible pain, and from a man who brought so much happiness and laughter to so many. THAT is hard.

The suicide of my loved one reminds me a lot of the story of Robin William’s death. The person I found, was someone I never would have suspected was dealing with such a painful place inside. She was one of those people who lit up a room when she walked in. She was loving and kind and had a smile that made everyone around her want to smile.

She was full of love and she spoke in a manner that could soothe anyone. She was the kind of person that everyone should have in their life. And then, one day, she decided she was done. 

After her death, I learned that she had battled depression and suicidal thoughts for many years. In fact, this wasn’t the first time she had considered taking her own life. But, what was clear this time, is that she was determined to do it. The way she went about it, was nearly fool proof and she made sure no one would find her until it was too late. 

Sometimes I think that the obvious determination in her action is what helps heal that pain. The fact that the place she was in was so horrendously low that she needed to be out of it, almost gives me a sense of peace in her passing. It’s not that I am condoning suicide and I certainly think that there are so many better ways to attempt to manage that pain, but sometimes, it’s the only way to truly heal from such a catastrophically traumatic loss.

Many people call suicide selfish. Selfishness, by definition is the lack of consideration for others. 

To the people who lose someone due to suicide, this seems selfish. Because, oftentimes we feel the person committing the act, isn’t considering the immense pain and sadness he/she leaves with their loved ones. The trauma that comes from this loss can last a lifetime and that doesn’t feel considerate.

But, I’ve learned that if you want to move forward from this kind of sadness, you have to do everything you can to put yourself in the shoes of the person dealing with their depression. 

Depression doesn’t always understand logic. Depression, at it’s lowest low confuses selfishness with what those of us might call consideration. People in a deep depression, often feel not only would their lives be better off, but so would the lives of those around them. Depression leaves a person feeling so helpless, that they can’t possibly imagine how they could be contributing positively to other people’s lives. 

While we, as the loved ones of those who are in a suicidal depression can and will do everything in our power to ensure them that this isn’t the case, that our lives ARE better with them in it, it can be tough to fight words with chemical imbalances. 

Think of it like cancer. Cancer is the chemical makeup of cells, replicating faster than the body can keep up with. Depression is the chemical makeup of the brain, in an imbalanced state.

Cancer and depression both come in many different forms. They both have treatments, and if treated early enough, a person can go on to live a happy, healthy life. 

Some cancers, like some depressions are more severe than others. Some people are born more prone to cancer or depression. Some people will experience it at least once in their life, some people will deal with it throughout their entire life. Some cancers are preventable and some depressions can even be preventable (in this case, I call each other these, circumstantial).

Cancer can’t just be cured by the power of positive thought, but it certainly needs a positive military around it. Cancer requires a variety of treatment. Depression is no different. 

What’s important to know about depression, is that it’s hard to break in and help those who are feeling so low. Sometimes those who are depressed are so ashamed of the way they feel that it’s hard to ask for help, or allow someone to give them help. But, it’s also important to remember that being there is only the first step.

The road to curing depression, or minimizing depression is not easy and rarely short. Similar to cancer- cancer’s road is rarely straight and usually pretty bumpy. 

As I look back on the purpose of writing this note, I can’t help but wonder if I really had one. I find myself stuck on whether I should give advice based on personal experience, or whether I should just admit that even though I’m sitting here trying to compare depression to something that most people can comprehend, it’s still kind of incomprehensible.

I guess that means I should probably end this with a little bit of both.

If you’re dealing with your own depression, go to someone you love and trust and talk to them. If you don’t have someone, call the hotline and talk to someone. The people there are there because THEY CARE. Likely because depression and suicide has touched them and they genuinely care about saving your life.

If someone you love is dealing with depression, try to remember that what they are going through, isn’t something they want to be going through. The sadness, the helplessness, the lack of interest, the negative beliefs. They don’t want it, but they don’t know how to stop that feeling. Be there. Research. Be patient. 

If you are grappling with the loss of a loved one from suicide, I hope you find peace in knowing that you are truly not alone in your experience. I also hope that you’re able to find some peace in knowing that the place this person was in was a place that, unless we are ourselves are also there, just can’t understand. And that’s ok. Wherever you may be, I hope you find the peace you need to move forward and live a happy and healthy life in their honor. 

And if, you, like me have been down this road— join me in spreading a little love and kindness today. I’m doing it for my loved one. I hope you’ll do it for yours. 

Settling

It's comfortable. It's safe.
With a sense of restlessness.
It manifests.
No.

It's familiar. It's easy.
With a sense of insouciance.
It drags.
No.

It's established. It's inflexible.
With a sense of qualm.
It irritates.
No.

It's uninspiring. It's flat.
With a sense of apathy.
It bores.
No.

It's passionless. It's dull.
With a sense of demotivation.
It drags.
No.

It's lonely. It's cold.
With a sense of fear.
It angers.
No.

It's settling. It's wrong.
With a sense of release.
It calms.
Yes.

The Difference Between a Girl and a Woman

A girl chases a man who is hard to get. A woman replaces him.

A girl blacks out.  A woman knows her limits.

A girl holds value in the superficial. A woman knows the worth of life's simple pleasures and treasures.

A girl waits to chase her dreams. A woman actively seeks them out.

A girl needs others in order to do things.  A woman is secure enough to do things alone.

A girl is too afraid to fight for what she believes in. A woman is fearless.

A girl stands with her arms crossed and her shoulders low. A woman holds her head high with confidence.

A a girl is dependent. A woman depends on herself.

A girl seeks validation from others to feel worthy. A woman knows her worth from the inside out.

A girl talks about others. A woman talks about ideas and loves others.

A girl is unsettled by the future. A woman embraces the unknown.

A girl settles. A woman settles for nothing less than what she deserves.

A girl feels lost. A woman knows her path.

A girl is afraid to become a woman. A woman is grateful for the process that lead her there.

Be the woman.