There’s no good way for someone to tell you that a loved one has passed away and these days it seems like they come in the most technological forms. When I received a text message three months ago that a very close college girlfriend had passed away, it felt as if the entire world around me, every part of the 5pm weeknight hustle and bustle all became paralyzed at the sight of the words, “Lindsey Passed Away This Morning.” As my stomach sunk and my throat became tight, my reality felt like a nightmare- only this time I was awake.
A few weeks ago, I received a similar note, this time in email form as I learned that one of my most favorite aunts had lost her very sudden battle with a disease no one knew she had, a battle that she suffered for only a month and only after 60+ years of living, thus leaving all of us who loved and continue to love her so dearly, completely stunned.
Since the passing of both of these phenomenal women, I have found myself in deep reflection. I think it’s normal when dealing with death to find yourself in a reflective state- there’s something about knowing a life/person you loved so much on Earth has come to an end that gets you wondering about a few things, but there’s something especially soul scorching about losing loved ones, both unexpectedly and too soon.
Ironically in all of this, living in 2011 has allowed me to look into the world of those who also share the same grief. Things like email, Facebook and grief websites have given me the opportunity to read the memories and love that many others also feel for these women, which leaves my heart both broken more and yet oddly relieved to know just how loved these people were and always will be.
As I’ve thought back on memories of these women, I’ve also gone through the normal, yet heart-wrenching thoughts about last conversations, wondering if they knew how much they meant to me and to everyone else in their lives here on Earth. I know they must know now, but it’s been a bit of a morbid reminder of how important it is to share with your loved ones just how much they mean to you. I even find myself humbly wondering, “Can they see Facebook wall posts? I really hope so!”
Knowing my friend Lindsey lost her life before she had the chance to experience things like marriage and children, and that my aunt lost her life just days before the celebration of 40 years of marriage to my uncle, and before having the chance to watch her grandchildren that she adored dearly grow up into adults really tears me up inside. Having to watch my uncle grieve and her children and grand children grieve, and having to imagine what Lindsey’s family must feel sends chills of sadness down my spine. But, in all of this sadness of losing people too early, it also keeps at the forefront, a few things.
These losses have shown me how deep the power of love really is. At the core of all of this loss is love. The love that everyone who mourns these deaths is what I have found to be the most inspiring part, no matter how painful the loss may feel. But, if you think about it, that’s what makes the pain so hurtful. The more love you have and feel, the harder the loss feels. But, what would our lives be like without the love? If you ask me, I’d rather have the deep love and deal with the sadness at some inevitable point, than the alternative.
There’s a song out there called, “If I Die Young”. It’s a very honest and real song and if you listen to the lyrics, it almost makes you wonder, “Why would someone write a song like this?” But, despite it’s shock factor, it reminds you that a short life lived really does hurt, just like the lyric says, “The sharp knife of a short life”. Luckily, there’s love that is stronger than any loss that can help heal the wound.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
The Comfort of Your Own Company
I’ve always thought Buddha was a wise guy. I have a book full of quotes that I love and a fair number of them come straight from the famous round bellied, wide-smiled zen master himself. But, there is one quote of his I read recently that has really been resonating with me, “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire Universe, deserve your love and affection.”
It’s been a belief of mine for quite some time now that in order to truly give the best of your love to others, you must first learn to love yourself. I know it’s a common thing you’ll read in any book that touches on the subject of happiness and I know that for me personally, this has been true. But, I also think that in addition to loving yourself (in the non-egotistical sense of the meaning, of course) you also have to learn to not only love yourself, but also be content being alone with yourself- which is in and of itself an entirely different can of worms.
When I lived in Seattle, there were plenty of times I found solace in the stillness of, “me” time. I found myself having no trouble taking long walks alone, sitting in a coffee shop alone, eating lunch alone, going to a movie alone- you name it, I was content. But, even then, I was in a place that was home. A place where even if I was alone, I almost always found myself comforted by the run-in of a familiar face or simply the comfort of familiarity.
When I was preparing to move to San Francisco, I knew there would be plenty of times when I had to prepare myself for venturing out on my own. Hell, the move itself was one I did solo (aside from a dear friend in the passenger seat on the drive down), my entire move was done with very little aid and very little assurance of what was to come outside of the job I had waiting for me- I just did it all on the belief that whatever was meant to happen for me, would all work out, and it has- perfectly, in fact.
That being said, it was the past few weeks that really brought back to the forefront of my mind just how important it is to not only love who you are, but also be comfortable being alone with yourself. Over the last few weeks, I had the opportunity to do everything from spend a week in the beautiful North Bay, nestled inside a comfy home on the water all by myself, to taking a work trip to New York where I was going for the first time and knew very little people, to coming back to San Francisco only to find myself longing for something that I didn’t have and reaffirming to myself what a blessing everything within my life has been.
Between the nights spent in the North Bay sipping my favorite wine while immersing myself in a documentary, or jumping on my hotel bed in excitement over being a 26 year old single girl living what felt like a Sex and the City episode for two days or making the choice to eat at a nice restaurant on a Sunday night, all alone back home in San Francisco- it all had one common theme: unconditional happiness and contentment.
Would I have enjoyed doing those things with the company of a good friend or a significant other? Sure! Who doesn’t enjoy sharing an experience with someone special? But, there is something so utterly empowering and rewarding about knowing that you can have your own kind of fun without the need of someone else being there.
While I’m by no means suggesting we should all forego human interaction and do everything alone, as I still prefer to engage in fun activities with friends and still hope to find that right person to share life moments with- one thing I can say for sure, whenever that person does come around, he won’t be meeting a person who needs completing, he’ll be meeting a person who has plenty to share.
It’s been a belief of mine for quite some time now that in order to truly give the best of your love to others, you must first learn to love yourself. I know it’s a common thing you’ll read in any book that touches on the subject of happiness and I know that for me personally, this has been true. But, I also think that in addition to loving yourself (in the non-egotistical sense of the meaning, of course) you also have to learn to not only love yourself, but also be content being alone with yourself- which is in and of itself an entirely different can of worms.
When I lived in Seattle, there were plenty of times I found solace in the stillness of, “me” time. I found myself having no trouble taking long walks alone, sitting in a coffee shop alone, eating lunch alone, going to a movie alone- you name it, I was content. But, even then, I was in a place that was home. A place where even if I was alone, I almost always found myself comforted by the run-in of a familiar face or simply the comfort of familiarity.
When I was preparing to move to San Francisco, I knew there would be plenty of times when I had to prepare myself for venturing out on my own. Hell, the move itself was one I did solo (aside from a dear friend in the passenger seat on the drive down), my entire move was done with very little aid and very little assurance of what was to come outside of the job I had waiting for me- I just did it all on the belief that whatever was meant to happen for me, would all work out, and it has- perfectly, in fact.
That being said, it was the past few weeks that really brought back to the forefront of my mind just how important it is to not only love who you are, but also be comfortable being alone with yourself. Over the last few weeks, I had the opportunity to do everything from spend a week in the beautiful North Bay, nestled inside a comfy home on the water all by myself, to taking a work trip to New York where I was going for the first time and knew very little people, to coming back to San Francisco only to find myself longing for something that I didn’t have and reaffirming to myself what a blessing everything within my life has been.
Between the nights spent in the North Bay sipping my favorite wine while immersing myself in a documentary, or jumping on my hotel bed in excitement over being a 26 year old single girl living what felt like a Sex and the City episode for two days or making the choice to eat at a nice restaurant on a Sunday night, all alone back home in San Francisco- it all had one common theme: unconditional happiness and contentment.
Would I have enjoyed doing those things with the company of a good friend or a significant other? Sure! Who doesn’t enjoy sharing an experience with someone special? But, there is something so utterly empowering and rewarding about knowing that you can have your own kind of fun without the need of someone else being there.
While I’m by no means suggesting we should all forego human interaction and do everything alone, as I still prefer to engage in fun activities with friends and still hope to find that right person to share life moments with- one thing I can say for sure, whenever that person does come around, he won’t be meeting a person who needs completing, he’ll be meeting a person who has plenty to share.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
The Best Decision I've Ever Made
Do you ever have moments when you stop to take a look at the world around you- I mean really take a look at the world around you? Moments when you actually look up and notice where you are at that very moment in time. When I lived in Seattle, there was hardly ever a day that went by that I didn't appreciate, even if it was fleeting, the beauty I was immersed in and had the blessing to call home. But, since my move to San Francisco, I've found this present moment encapsulation has become not just a moment of appreciation, but a moment of validation.
The other day, I decided it to take a stroll throughout my new city to explore all the nooks and crannies my surrounding neighborhoods had to offer, which lead to a three hour expedition of hill climbing, alley way wandering, marina park bench sitting and, "Oh, I better check that place out" thinking. As I wandered along, mellow jams in my ears and smile on my face, I couldn't help but feel overcome by the feelings of both complete solace and utter contentment and then within that very moment, as I turned a corner and left what looked like China and walked into what looked like Italy only to see to my right the beauty of the Golden Gate Bridge and all it's surroundings did I realize, "I am somewhere I dreamed of living and I'm actually LIVING here. This is my HOME!"
The thought caused me to have a brief feeling of guilt as I still have a deep rooted love for my native home that will never go away, but regardless, I couldn't help but feel overcome with the happiness I felt for being where I was at that very moment, for it was only 6 months prior that I had told myself San Francisco was a city I wanted to live in.
To this day, I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around just how fast my life changed and just how big of a move this really was for me, being that it was my first real move away from a regional area that was so familiar, comfortable and loved, but regardless of how much adjusting I've subconsciously gone through and how stressful it may have been even without admitting it, I never allowed myself to think of it in that way (outside of one minor meltdown on my first trip back home...big shout out to my best friends and little brother who brought those tears to life- you are loved.) For this move has hands down been the best decision I've ever made.
In just five short months, I've learned more about myself (and trust me, I've learned quite a bit about this chick you're reading about in the last 25 years) in areas I had never really taken the time to or had never had the opportunity to learn about. I've met some of the most incredible people. People I know will leave lasting impressions on me. People I will forever call friends. People whose kindness will never be forgotten. People who's drive and ambition will always be admired. I've met all of this and MORE in just F-I-V-E M-O-N-T-H-S! Can you believe that?
Although my move to San Francisco was one that was literally a no brainer for me, I can honestly say, that moment when I sat on a train after being offered an opportunity to come to San Francisco, thinking to myself, "My whole life is about to change", was a dead on feeling. My life really has changed, in ways that I never imagined. I am still the same happy-go-lucky, look-on-the-brightside, idea obsessed person I was in Seattle, except this time with a little more insight, a little more zest and a lot more appreciation. This move was by far, the best decision I've ever made and I can't wait to see what the rest of my time here has in store.
As I close this note with a smile on my face and near tears in my eyes, I leave you this- if there's something in your life you've been wanting to do, whether it's a move to a new city, the change of a job, taking the time to travel, asking out that person you've felt you should ask out or something else- follow the thought and feeling. I promise, it will be the best decision you've ever made. TRUST ME.
The other day, I decided it to take a stroll throughout my new city to explore all the nooks and crannies my surrounding neighborhoods had to offer, which lead to a three hour expedition of hill climbing, alley way wandering, marina park bench sitting and, "Oh, I better check that place out" thinking. As I wandered along, mellow jams in my ears and smile on my face, I couldn't help but feel overcome by the feelings of both complete solace and utter contentment and then within that very moment, as I turned a corner and left what looked like China and walked into what looked like Italy only to see to my right the beauty of the Golden Gate Bridge and all it's surroundings did I realize, "I am somewhere I dreamed of living and I'm actually LIVING here. This is my HOME!"
The thought caused me to have a brief feeling of guilt as I still have a deep rooted love for my native home that will never go away, but regardless, I couldn't help but feel overcome with the happiness I felt for being where I was at that very moment, for it was only 6 months prior that I had told myself San Francisco was a city I wanted to live in.
To this day, I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around just how fast my life changed and just how big of a move this really was for me, being that it was my first real move away from a regional area that was so familiar, comfortable and loved, but regardless of how much adjusting I've subconsciously gone through and how stressful it may have been even without admitting it, I never allowed myself to think of it in that way (outside of one minor meltdown on my first trip back home...big shout out to my best friends and little brother who brought those tears to life- you are loved.) For this move has hands down been the best decision I've ever made.
In just five short months, I've learned more about myself (and trust me, I've learned quite a bit about this chick you're reading about in the last 25 years) in areas I had never really taken the time to or had never had the opportunity to learn about. I've met some of the most incredible people. People I know will leave lasting impressions on me. People I will forever call friends. People whose kindness will never be forgotten. People who's drive and ambition will always be admired. I've met all of this and MORE in just F-I-V-E M-O-N-T-H-S! Can you believe that?
Although my move to San Francisco was one that was literally a no brainer for me, I can honestly say, that moment when I sat on a train after being offered an opportunity to come to San Francisco, thinking to myself, "My whole life is about to change", was a dead on feeling. My life really has changed, in ways that I never imagined. I am still the same happy-go-lucky, look-on-the-brightside, idea obsessed person I was in Seattle, except this time with a little more insight, a little more zest and a lot more appreciation. This move was by far, the best decision I've ever made and I can't wait to see what the rest of my time here has in store.
As I close this note with a smile on my face and near tears in my eyes, I leave you this- if there's something in your life you've been wanting to do, whether it's a move to a new city, the change of a job, taking the time to travel, asking out that person you've felt you should ask out or something else- follow the thought and feeling. I promise, it will be the best decision you've ever made. TRUST ME.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The Importance of Gratitude
Thank you. Thanks. Best Regards. Warm Wishes. Sincerely. We write these little email and letter closures nearly every day. They have been engrained into our minds as the right thing to do when sending a note to someone, and even more so if that email or letter pertains to asking for something. Sure, it makes sense- you wouldn’t ask for something without your every day manners. But, recently as I typed away at an email asking for someone’s time I thought to myself, “I wonder just how thankful this person knows I am for the request at hand.” To be quite honest, the fact that the thought of the meaning behind the ending even crossed my mind sort of took me aback and made me nudge away from the discomforts of my slouched stance in my office chair and reflect for a moment on just how many times I had said, “Thank you” without actually taking a moment to realize what it was I was thankful for.
I recently began reading a book, “365 Thank You’s”. A book about a man’s journey of taking the time to share his gratitude with all those who had done something he was thankful for. It’s by no means a book of thrill or suspense, nor is it one that leaves you staying up an extra two minutes at every turn of the page. It is however, a book that makes you take a step back and remember just how important it is to be thankful for even the smallest gestures life, people and circumstances send our way.
I’ve always known it’s important to be thankful for what you have and what you’ve been given, for anytime you feel abundance in your life, you’re setting yourself up for an even more fulfilling life, which almost sounds silly, eh? Having plenty gives you more? Such an ironic, but true way of life. But, sometimes even being a person who knows just how important gratitude is can forget when to take the time to share it with those who deserve the recognition.
As I left my office the day of the email closing awakening, I found myself thinking about all the things I was sincerely and deeply thankful for. It took less than .3 seconds to come up with the general, “Job, health, home, friends, opportunities” subjects. But, I found myself, while realizing the heavy significance of the first acts of gratitude, also needing to look beyond the basics. I then began to ponder what else in my everyday life was I truly thankful for, and so, that night I snuggled up with a notepad and pen and wrote down every “outside of the box” thing I could think of. Rather than novelize them, I figured I’d share a couple, in hopes that perhaps you too have experienced such joy in your everyday life that can sometimes easily be forgotten after the quick interaction that takes place…
A glimpse at a week of thankfulness:
-The homeless man on the street corner every morning I exchange“Looking good!” banter with.
-The barista at Peet’s who for no reason gave me a free latte, just, “because”.
-Smiles back from complete strangers of all demographics.
-Phone calls from home.
-Nostalgic thoughts that caused a smile in solace.
-The way the sky looked like it had been painted onto a canvas one day that week.
-An intense workout that left me exhilarated.
-Reaching out and opening up to someone I had disconnected with recently.
-Office laughter and light heartedness one random day.
-Going to sleep on time and waking up refreshed.
The list went on for a full page, but by the end of it I couldn’t help but realize that if I hadn’t taken the time to write it all down, I probably would’ve let all those moments of joy go by with no more than the moment they occurred. Interestingly enough, I began to think about how often I’ve let negative moments and circumstances suffocate my thoughts and realized that all of those negative moments happened almost as quickly, if not more so as the positive ones I encountered in my week. These thoughts combined made me realize one thing- daily gratitude is essential.
In world filled with a zillion (seriously, maybe even more than that) opportunities to feel bogged down by negative situations, stories or circumstances, we sometimes forget just how often positive, enriching and enlightening moments happen in our everyday lives. I sincerely believe, for every moment we are cut off while driving, delivered bad news at work, or disrupted by our daily routines, we are given smiles from strangers, a favorite song played, or a win from our favorite ball team that we oftentimes don’t give nearly the attention we give those unimportant, insignificant, negative occurrences to. So, I challenge you to take a moment each day to find at least a few things you are thankful for in the day. I promise, the more you do it, the less you’ll even be able to remember those petty things we let overcome our mindset for the day.
Thank you for reading… and I sincerely mean that with every ounce of my gratitude.
I recently began reading a book, “365 Thank You’s”. A book about a man’s journey of taking the time to share his gratitude with all those who had done something he was thankful for. It’s by no means a book of thrill or suspense, nor is it one that leaves you staying up an extra two minutes at every turn of the page. It is however, a book that makes you take a step back and remember just how important it is to be thankful for even the smallest gestures life, people and circumstances send our way.
I’ve always known it’s important to be thankful for what you have and what you’ve been given, for anytime you feel abundance in your life, you’re setting yourself up for an even more fulfilling life, which almost sounds silly, eh? Having plenty gives you more? Such an ironic, but true way of life. But, sometimes even being a person who knows just how important gratitude is can forget when to take the time to share it with those who deserve the recognition.
As I left my office the day of the email closing awakening, I found myself thinking about all the things I was sincerely and deeply thankful for. It took less than .3 seconds to come up with the general, “Job, health, home, friends, opportunities” subjects. But, I found myself, while realizing the heavy significance of the first acts of gratitude, also needing to look beyond the basics. I then began to ponder what else in my everyday life was I truly thankful for, and so, that night I snuggled up with a notepad and pen and wrote down every “outside of the box” thing I could think of. Rather than novelize them, I figured I’d share a couple, in hopes that perhaps you too have experienced such joy in your everyday life that can sometimes easily be forgotten after the quick interaction that takes place…
A glimpse at a week of thankfulness:
-The homeless man on the street corner every morning I exchange“Looking good!” banter with.
-The barista at Peet’s who for no reason gave me a free latte, just, “because”.
-Smiles back from complete strangers of all demographics.
-Phone calls from home.
-Nostalgic thoughts that caused a smile in solace.
-The way the sky looked like it had been painted onto a canvas one day that week.
-An intense workout that left me exhilarated.
-Reaching out and opening up to someone I had disconnected with recently.
-Office laughter and light heartedness one random day.
-Going to sleep on time and waking up refreshed.
The list went on for a full page, but by the end of it I couldn’t help but realize that if I hadn’t taken the time to write it all down, I probably would’ve let all those moments of joy go by with no more than the moment they occurred. Interestingly enough, I began to think about how often I’ve let negative moments and circumstances suffocate my thoughts and realized that all of those negative moments happened almost as quickly, if not more so as the positive ones I encountered in my week. These thoughts combined made me realize one thing- daily gratitude is essential.
In world filled with a zillion (seriously, maybe even more than that) opportunities to feel bogged down by negative situations, stories or circumstances, we sometimes forget just how often positive, enriching and enlightening moments happen in our everyday lives. I sincerely believe, for every moment we are cut off while driving, delivered bad news at work, or disrupted by our daily routines, we are given smiles from strangers, a favorite song played, or a win from our favorite ball team that we oftentimes don’t give nearly the attention we give those unimportant, insignificant, negative occurrences to. So, I challenge you to take a moment each day to find at least a few things you are thankful for in the day. I promise, the more you do it, the less you’ll even be able to remember those petty things we let overcome our mindset for the day.
Thank you for reading… and I sincerely mean that with every ounce of my gratitude.
Monday, January 10, 2011
What's In A Year? The Recipe For The Good Life.
Dreams. Love. Goals. Heartbreaks. Change. Trials. Happiness. Opportunities. I'm sure the list could go on and on. It's always amazing to me how fast it seems a year can come and go yet how much can occur in those 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days and if you really want to get deep 8,765 hours and some change. When I think about how many times I've said to myself, "There just aren't enough hours in the day" and then look at how many hours are in a year, I wonder if having more would really slow things down or just add to the fire of it's meteoric pace. Either which way, I've been doing some serious reflecting on the past year and after a stroll at the beach yesterday, I finally found the burst of writing drive I was searching for to share all the thoughts I've been storing away in my thought bank, which unfortunately doesn't gain interest of any kind, therefore, it's only right that I share with those who are inclined to read.
I'm sure by now it doesn't take a blog post for me to share with you what big change I went through in 2010. I'm also sure it's no surprise to anyone that within that change also lies accomplishing a major goal, jumping on an incredible opportunity that all centered around a dream. If you didn't guess my move to San Francisco for work being at the epicenter of that non-surprise, then I don't suggest going on Jeopardy.
As I wrote the intro to this post, I looked back and wondered if I really experienced all of those things. In a lot of ways yes, in some ways not quite, but at least parts of the feelings that come with those experiences. I can say for sure that 2010 was not my year for falling in love, but I can say it was the first year in several years that I sincerely felt that if it came into my life, I was ready for it, and for the right reasons. I can also most certainly say that if it finds me in 2011, I'm still just as ready and if anything, there was at least one experience in 2010 that was the tell all moment which reassured me that I was in fact ready for something special. Heartbreak? Not quite- which is good. Although, I am brought back to a time that was at minimum, confusing and in some ways disheartening, but nothing a short bit of time couldn't take care of which we should all know by now is the key to bouncing back and oftentimes, bouncing back stronger and higher. Trials? Oh sure, if there's someone reading this who doesn't have a few trials throughout their year, then please, stop reading and reveal yourself.
Sometimes I think the most ironic part of my year in 2010 was that the low points of trials, frustrations, disenchantments and pure suckage (Gosh I love when I can throw a good made up word in there that fits well and describes itself) also ended up tying right into my high moments of euphoria, thankfulness, and pure bliss which has really taught me that there's somewhat of an art of resilience that falls into it all.
You see, it was the low moments that made me realize the only person who could change those negative circumstances was myself. It was as if I suddenly saw this recipe of life all around me which consisted of a mixture of dreams and goals, bountiful days of a positive attitude, gallons and liters and barrels of personal strength and personal belief- baked at approximately 98.6 degrees for several months and viola- what once was part of a year that felt stale, dry, partially tasteless turned into the most succulent, rich, and delicious year I could've asked for. The best part about it, I made it all on my own, and so can you.
No matter how fast a year may seem to come and go and no matter how high and how low it may get, the coolest part about life is at the end of the day, we can all make our own batch of goodness- all you need to do is open your pantry of pre-stocked life ingredients and stir away.
Trust me, it's one recipe you won't dislike.
I'm sure by now it doesn't take a blog post for me to share with you what big change I went through in 2010. I'm also sure it's no surprise to anyone that within that change also lies accomplishing a major goal, jumping on an incredible opportunity that all centered around a dream. If you didn't guess my move to San Francisco for work being at the epicenter of that non-surprise, then I don't suggest going on Jeopardy.
As I wrote the intro to this post, I looked back and wondered if I really experienced all of those things. In a lot of ways yes, in some ways not quite, but at least parts of the feelings that come with those experiences. I can say for sure that 2010 was not my year for falling in love, but I can say it was the first year in several years that I sincerely felt that if it came into my life, I was ready for it, and for the right reasons. I can also most certainly say that if it finds me in 2011, I'm still just as ready and if anything, there was at least one experience in 2010 that was the tell all moment which reassured me that I was in fact ready for something special. Heartbreak? Not quite- which is good. Although, I am brought back to a time that was at minimum, confusing and in some ways disheartening, but nothing a short bit of time couldn't take care of which we should all know by now is the key to bouncing back and oftentimes, bouncing back stronger and higher. Trials? Oh sure, if there's someone reading this who doesn't have a few trials throughout their year, then please, stop reading and reveal yourself.
Sometimes I think the most ironic part of my year in 2010 was that the low points of trials, frustrations, disenchantments and pure suckage (Gosh I love when I can throw a good made up word in there that fits well and describes itself) also ended up tying right into my high moments of euphoria, thankfulness, and pure bliss which has really taught me that there's somewhat of an art of resilience that falls into it all.
You see, it was the low moments that made me realize the only person who could change those negative circumstances was myself. It was as if I suddenly saw this recipe of life all around me which consisted of a mixture of dreams and goals, bountiful days of a positive attitude, gallons and liters and barrels of personal strength and personal belief- baked at approximately 98.6 degrees for several months and viola- what once was part of a year that felt stale, dry, partially tasteless turned into the most succulent, rich, and delicious year I could've asked for. The best part about it, I made it all on my own, and so can you.
No matter how fast a year may seem to come and go and no matter how high and how low it may get, the coolest part about life is at the end of the day, we can all make our own batch of goodness- all you need to do is open your pantry of pre-stocked life ingredients and stir away.
Trust me, it's one recipe you won't dislike.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Pretending To Be Tough
One of my favorite moments in life is when a simple conversation turns into an inspiration to write a blog post. Today’s inspiration started with a simple Gmail Chat between one of my dear friends from college. Our conversation had started that day with our shared wanderlust getting in the way of necessary work activities. Talks of, “Let’s go to Tahoe, let’s go to Stagecoach, let’s go to Coachella, you should start thinking about Vegas for the 4th of July.” Yes, that’s how we work- two girls always thinking about the fun that can be had, even if it’s 9 months away. The other unique thing about my friendship with this person is just how much alike we tend to be when it comes to the deeper parts of who we are.
Somehow talks of going to Stagecoach and Coachella turned into a quote being sent my way which then turned into us talking about a shared music love for Ray Lamontagne. I shared with her one of my recent favorite songs by him and admitted that no matter how many times I listen to it, the song nearly brings me to tears- the flow of the lyrics, the meaning behind each word and the connection I make with each of those meanings. She sarcastically (and trust me, I love me some good sarcasm) said, “You’re such a sap.” To which I simply replied, “I know.” The ironic part about this admittance of inner-typical-chick is that for anyone who’s gotten to know me in past years knows I’ve always played, “tough girl”.
As I continued on in my conversation with my friend, I mentioned to her that I’ve come to the realization that I’ve always been a sap on the inside, I’ve just always pretended to be otherwise. When I’ve had my heart broken, I’ve tried to pretend it didn’t bother me, only to find that the more I pretended, the worse I felt and the longer it took to get over it. When I saw something sweet, cute or heart warming, I would brush it off as if it were too girly to react to, only to find myself feeling guilty over the fact that I agreed. When something touched my heart enough to make me feel emotional, I would hold in every tear that even tried to encroach upon my eyes, only to find later they would stream out in the most unlikely of times. When I met a man I really liked and knew I cared for, instead of showing it and admitting it, I typically became someone I wasn’t in order to protect myself from any potential rejection, only to find that usually left me alone.
My friend then said to me, “I’m a sap too and you’re right, as I get older I begin to wonder why bother pretending to be so tough when we should really be wearing our hearts on our sleeves.” And boom, there came the inspiration for this little number you’re reading.
The reality is, I’ve learned that the more time I spent trying to be tough in situations and circumstances that I felt otherwise, the further away I was from who I am on the inside. Now, don’t get me wrong- I know I’m a strong woman and there are times when being tough is important. I mean, working in sports sponsorships isn’t exactly an industry that is conducive for being overly sensitive (thick skin and the ability to let things roll off your shoulders is more or less a requirement for the job), but that doesn’t mean I can’t accept that I have a place inside of me that is inspired by kindness, happiness, romance, tenderness and compassion and the best part about it is the more I’ve begun to accept that this is a part of who I am, the more confident, proud, and happy I feel.
Look at it this way, if on the outside you find yourself saying something that on the inside you instantly know you don’t agree with, but continue to follow what’s being said and done on the outside, then just remember you’re keeping yourself away from a part of you that you should be learning to love. After all, it’s usually best to love the ones you spend the most time with, and if I’m not mistaken whether we like it or not, we spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 12 months a year for however many years we live with none other than: ourselves, so you might as well learn to love, you.
Somehow talks of going to Stagecoach and Coachella turned into a quote being sent my way which then turned into us talking about a shared music love for Ray Lamontagne. I shared with her one of my recent favorite songs by him and admitted that no matter how many times I listen to it, the song nearly brings me to tears- the flow of the lyrics, the meaning behind each word and the connection I make with each of those meanings. She sarcastically (and trust me, I love me some good sarcasm) said, “You’re such a sap.” To which I simply replied, “I know.” The ironic part about this admittance of inner-typical-chick is that for anyone who’s gotten to know me in past years knows I’ve always played, “tough girl”.
As I continued on in my conversation with my friend, I mentioned to her that I’ve come to the realization that I’ve always been a sap on the inside, I’ve just always pretended to be otherwise. When I’ve had my heart broken, I’ve tried to pretend it didn’t bother me, only to find that the more I pretended, the worse I felt and the longer it took to get over it. When I saw something sweet, cute or heart warming, I would brush it off as if it were too girly to react to, only to find myself feeling guilty over the fact that I agreed. When something touched my heart enough to make me feel emotional, I would hold in every tear that even tried to encroach upon my eyes, only to find later they would stream out in the most unlikely of times. When I met a man I really liked and knew I cared for, instead of showing it and admitting it, I typically became someone I wasn’t in order to protect myself from any potential rejection, only to find that usually left me alone.
My friend then said to me, “I’m a sap too and you’re right, as I get older I begin to wonder why bother pretending to be so tough when we should really be wearing our hearts on our sleeves.” And boom, there came the inspiration for this little number you’re reading.
The reality is, I’ve learned that the more time I spent trying to be tough in situations and circumstances that I felt otherwise, the further away I was from who I am on the inside. Now, don’t get me wrong- I know I’m a strong woman and there are times when being tough is important. I mean, working in sports sponsorships isn’t exactly an industry that is conducive for being overly sensitive (thick skin and the ability to let things roll off your shoulders is more or less a requirement for the job), but that doesn’t mean I can’t accept that I have a place inside of me that is inspired by kindness, happiness, romance, tenderness and compassion and the best part about it is the more I’ve begun to accept that this is a part of who I am, the more confident, proud, and happy I feel.
Look at it this way, if on the outside you find yourself saying something that on the inside you instantly know you don’t agree with, but continue to follow what’s being said and done on the outside, then just remember you’re keeping yourself away from a part of you that you should be learning to love. After all, it’s usually best to love the ones you spend the most time with, and if I’m not mistaken whether we like it or not, we spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 12 months a year for however many years we live with none other than: ourselves, so you might as well learn to love, you.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
The Man Who Stole My Heart
My heart is a place I keep near and dear, a place that only a select few males have ever had access to and even then have really only brushed along the surface. The two men who hold the deepest place in my heart are undoubtedly my younger brothers, but this weekend there was one special man who stole it away.
I had just walked out of seeing my favorite movie genre, which may or may not be a surprise to some, is a romantic comedy. As I said goodbye to my movie partner and headed towards the train I thought about the characters in the movie and the storyline and thought to myself, “Everyone should find that kind of love and romance.” As I waited for the train, a man walked up and at that very moment my heart skipped as if I had seen my biggest crush walk into the room. I couldn’t help but instantly smile, because you see, I had actually seen this man before on a train a few weeks ago. This man has a smile that could literally light a dark sky. His eyes show so much kindness and unconditional happiness. While there are a number of reasons one might hold their look at this man for longer than the average glance, the first time I saw him, I held my glance at the character that illuminated from his face.
When I saw this man for the first time on the train a few weeks prior, my fondest memory was not only his smile but his kindness towards others. I’ll never forget when a woman walked onto the train and had a tough time finding a seat, he moved over and motioned for her to sit in the seat next to him- granted it was crowded, but there was still an open seat. She smiled, and he nodded and gave his big, wide smile. He then proceeded to look at her for a moment, but not in a way that was creepy or disturbing but in a way that showed admiration for she was in fact a pretty girl; and then he turned away and continued to smile.
For whatever reason, I couldn’t help but become immersed in wondering about this man. I wondered where he came from, I wondered if he had family, I wondered what his name was, I wondered if anyone took care of him, I wondered what his childhood was like and I wondered if he’d ever been in love and I as I continued to wonder, the train stopped at his drop off and he was gone.
Seeing this man for the second time at the train station literally took my breath away. Not only was it the first person in the six weeks I had been living in San Francisco that I saw one time and ran into for a second, but for some unexplainable reason, I was just excited that it was him! As he walked to wait for the train, he looked up at me and gave me his ear to ear smile and his token nod that read, “Hello, how are you?” I smiled back and said hello. He shook my hand and pointed to my face and gave me a thumbs up. I responded back with, “Thank you!” His smile became even wider, his eyes even brighter and I asked how he was doing, although I knew he couldn’t respond. He nodded happily. At that moment, I didn’t turn away. Instead I locked eyes with him and for the first time in my life I felt like I had a conversation through eyes and smiles all entirely at this point without words. As the train approached, the man with his shaky hand, took mine and slowly, shakily brought it up to his mouth and gave it a kiss, then another, then another. He then smiled and nodded and we made our way onto the train.
Due to the crowded seats on the train, it was at that point we separated. But, we were still in sight of each other. As I sat there with my heart warm, and tears welling up in my eyes- overwhelmed by what I had just experienced. I continued to watch my new friend as he smiled at those who walked by him. I began to feel protective over those who looked at him strangely and I wondered if I’d ever see him again. Then, as the person next to me left, my new friend got up from his seat, came over to me and pointed to the seat next to me. Would you like to sit here? I asked. He nodded and sat, and once again we met eyes. I told him he had a very nice smile and nodded what I gather was a, “Thank you.” He pointed to my mouth and gave me a thumbs up. He then took his hat off, pointed to my head and made a long hair motion and gave me a thumbs up. I responded again with a, “Thank you”. I asked him if he lived nearby and he nodded and motioned his hand up the hill. As we continued on, the train stopped and he pointed that this was his stop. He shot me his token ear to ear, bright and wide smile, took my hand once again and kissed it one last time. He smiled and limped away, down the stairs and out of the train. Then, just like something out of a movie, he tapped on my window and waved goodbye outside of my window, blew me a kiss and walked off into the dark. This time, tears didn’t just fill my eyes, they poured out of them.
As you can probably gather, my new friend (who I was never able to get the name of) was not your average man who could walk and talk like the average person. Because I’m not a professional in the medical field, I couldn’t tell you what his condition was, but it impaired his ability to speak, caused him to shake quite a bit, impaired his ability to hold things and impaired his walking significantly (perhaps Parkinsins?) But, whatever disease was taking over his body, most certainly had not taken over his spirit. I’ve never in my life felt so connected to one person and had one person steal my heart away so quickly without ever saying a word. I hope everyone can have the chance to meet as fantastic of a person as my new friend and I hope our paths cross again- until then, he’ll have my heart wherever he goes.
I had just walked out of seeing my favorite movie genre, which may or may not be a surprise to some, is a romantic comedy. As I said goodbye to my movie partner and headed towards the train I thought about the characters in the movie and the storyline and thought to myself, “Everyone should find that kind of love and romance.” As I waited for the train, a man walked up and at that very moment my heart skipped as if I had seen my biggest crush walk into the room. I couldn’t help but instantly smile, because you see, I had actually seen this man before on a train a few weeks ago. This man has a smile that could literally light a dark sky. His eyes show so much kindness and unconditional happiness. While there are a number of reasons one might hold their look at this man for longer than the average glance, the first time I saw him, I held my glance at the character that illuminated from his face.
When I saw this man for the first time on the train a few weeks prior, my fondest memory was not only his smile but his kindness towards others. I’ll never forget when a woman walked onto the train and had a tough time finding a seat, he moved over and motioned for her to sit in the seat next to him- granted it was crowded, but there was still an open seat. She smiled, and he nodded and gave his big, wide smile. He then proceeded to look at her for a moment, but not in a way that was creepy or disturbing but in a way that showed admiration for she was in fact a pretty girl; and then he turned away and continued to smile.
For whatever reason, I couldn’t help but become immersed in wondering about this man. I wondered where he came from, I wondered if he had family, I wondered what his name was, I wondered if anyone took care of him, I wondered what his childhood was like and I wondered if he’d ever been in love and I as I continued to wonder, the train stopped at his drop off and he was gone.
Seeing this man for the second time at the train station literally took my breath away. Not only was it the first person in the six weeks I had been living in San Francisco that I saw one time and ran into for a second, but for some unexplainable reason, I was just excited that it was him! As he walked to wait for the train, he looked up at me and gave me his ear to ear smile and his token nod that read, “Hello, how are you?” I smiled back and said hello. He shook my hand and pointed to my face and gave me a thumbs up. I responded back with, “Thank you!” His smile became even wider, his eyes even brighter and I asked how he was doing, although I knew he couldn’t respond. He nodded happily. At that moment, I didn’t turn away. Instead I locked eyes with him and for the first time in my life I felt like I had a conversation through eyes and smiles all entirely at this point without words. As the train approached, the man with his shaky hand, took mine and slowly, shakily brought it up to his mouth and gave it a kiss, then another, then another. He then smiled and nodded and we made our way onto the train.
Due to the crowded seats on the train, it was at that point we separated. But, we were still in sight of each other. As I sat there with my heart warm, and tears welling up in my eyes- overwhelmed by what I had just experienced. I continued to watch my new friend as he smiled at those who walked by him. I began to feel protective over those who looked at him strangely and I wondered if I’d ever see him again. Then, as the person next to me left, my new friend got up from his seat, came over to me and pointed to the seat next to me. Would you like to sit here? I asked. He nodded and sat, and once again we met eyes. I told him he had a very nice smile and nodded what I gather was a, “Thank you.” He pointed to my mouth and gave me a thumbs up. He then took his hat off, pointed to my head and made a long hair motion and gave me a thumbs up. I responded again with a, “Thank you”. I asked him if he lived nearby and he nodded and motioned his hand up the hill. As we continued on, the train stopped and he pointed that this was his stop. He shot me his token ear to ear, bright and wide smile, took my hand once again and kissed it one last time. He smiled and limped away, down the stairs and out of the train. Then, just like something out of a movie, he tapped on my window and waved goodbye outside of my window, blew me a kiss and walked off into the dark. This time, tears didn’t just fill my eyes, they poured out of them.
As you can probably gather, my new friend (who I was never able to get the name of) was not your average man who could walk and talk like the average person. Because I’m not a professional in the medical field, I couldn’t tell you what his condition was, but it impaired his ability to speak, caused him to shake quite a bit, impaired his ability to hold things and impaired his walking significantly (perhaps Parkinsins?) But, whatever disease was taking over his body, most certainly had not taken over his spirit. I’ve never in my life felt so connected to one person and had one person steal my heart away so quickly without ever saying a word. I hope everyone can have the chance to meet as fantastic of a person as my new friend and I hope our paths cross again- until then, he’ll have my heart wherever he goes.
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