Enough of This!

I originally started this blog because I like to write, but the only way I know how to write is from the heart. I figured, being a 20-something gal, going through the motions of all that life as a 20-something has to offer would be the easiest way for me to write about things that inspired me, things that shook me and things that mattered to me. Given the topic I’m about to address is something that has been a highly debated topic throughout my 20’s (and before and unfortunately, likely after) I figured my opinion, albeit an opinion- is worth sharing. 

Let me start by saying- enough. Enough questioning whether or not it is okay to “be gay”. I’m tired of the debate. I’m tired of the fact that it is even considered a debate. This is 2013. We have overcome so much over the years (thank, God)- racial rights, women’s rights, various wars,  (I could keep going), and yet in 2013 we still haven’t figured out how to accept homosexuality and similar subject matters, as a whole in our culture? It’s absurd and quite frankly, it’s embarrassing.

The majority of arguments I hear out there (besides those who are just plain honest and say, “It makes me feel uncomfortable”) at this point are ones that typically involve religion, which is ironic because I’m quite certain that heterosexual atheist’s are allowed to marry and aren’t questioned for being together. Sometimes it involves reproductive opinions, which I also find funny given there’s (sadly, for those trying so hard and deservedly, wanting so badly) heterosexual couples who are physically unable to conceive for a variety of reasons, or even some who choose not to, and yet no one ever makes anyone who is heterosexual feel bad for not being able to reproduce (which they DEFINITELY shouldn’t be made to feel bad for). But, at the root of it all, as far as I can tell at this point, it’s typically a religious tie holding this topic back.

Another very common argument and debate I hear is whether or not “being gay” is something you’re born with or something you become. It’s a slippery slope. Truth be told, I think it might swing both ways (pardon the bi-sexual pun).

I guess this would be a good time to tell you all a story. A story that changed my entire thought process on this argument and will forever keep me supporting gay rights.

When I graduated college, I went on to be a teacher. Unfortunately, my teacher’s salary wasn’t quite enough to pay the bills and feed myself and enjoy a night out with my friends, so I chose to be a nanny on the side. I met a family, a Catholic family, mind you- who I immediately felt connected to. I’ll never forget walking into their beautiful home, in a prominent neighborhood and meeting the mom.

She was the kind of person you just knew had a good heart- from the moment you said hello. You just knew it. She had kindness in her eyes and in her voice. She was like many moms out there in that moment- focused on her kids, trying to juggle 3 of them with a looming dinner hour and an interview for a new nanny so she could work part-time.

We talked about the kid’s routines, what the expectations throughout the day would entail, how I handled various situations and then she had me play with the kids for a little while to see how we interacted with each other. Needless to say, the kids had my heart immediately.

There were three kids; a 9-month old boy, a 4-year old girl and a 7-year old boy. I played with each other them, but there was something about the 7 year old I noticed right away- he was playing with Barbies and he spoke with such passion when doing so. He showed me around his room, showed me his dress-up clothes and collection of other toys that I would have guessed belonged to his 4-year old sister. The only thing that I could see this boy was into that had anything to do with “gender appropriate” toys, was his fascination with snakes.

When I came back to finish my interview with the mom, she had a talk with me about their eldest son. She informed me that their son had been diagnosed by a psychologist as Transgender. A person who is transgender is, by definition someone who identifies with a gender other than their biological one. She told me that from a very early age, she knew her son was a little different than your average boy.

He had always gravitated towards female-centric colors, toys, objects. At 16 months old he often walked around in his mom's nightgown and high heels. At around the 3-4 year old mark, to no one's surprise, he would play mermaids in the pool, rather than shooting water guns like the other boys in the pool. He even insisted that his younger sister refer to him as, "sister" rather than brother.

To top it all off, the most significant moment of all that she shared with me was when her son came to her at the age of 4, with painful tears rolling down his cheeks and said, "Mommy. God made a terrible mistake. I was supposed to be a girl." If that doesn't shake you to your core and leave you wondering if perhaps you really can be born a certain way- then I don't know what can. 

This mom carried on to share with me that in the beginning, their family assumed it was a phase. They continued to encourage boy behavior, activities, toys and even friends. But, despite their efforts, the more they encouraged it, the more he objected. They could see a distinct difference in his general happiness and approach when he had to participate in things he didn’t care for or feel connected to, versus things he did, which were typically female-centric things.

After coming together, as a family and discussing the matter with professional psychologists who specialize in the transgender community- they decided it was best to embrace who this little boy felt he should be and give him the support, as a family, he needed to be a happy and healthy child. 

The mom told me that they were raising their son as transgender. As a boy who identifies with being a girl; then she asked me if I was okay with being a nanny in that situation. I couldn’t have been more on board if I tried.

Being a teacher, I knew how important it was/is to honor children for who they are; to embrace their quirks, to work through their troubles and their issues and their strengths.

Now, don’t get me wrong, if this woman told me her son was a sociopath, I would have most certainly hoped that he was getting the psychological help he needed to work through being a functioning human being in society without hurting others. But, we aren’t talking about a person who could potentially harm others- we are talking about a boy who deep down inside somewhere, feels he is and should be a girl.

We finished our interview and the mom offered me the job, which I happily took and I spent the next year being a nanny for a 1-year old darling little boy, a 4/5- year old sweet and determined girl, and a 7/8-year old intelligent and kind hearted transgender boy. They have forever stayed in my heart, because they forever helped me see this topic differently.

After our year together, I decided to take a new career path, which also meant I had to give up my side-nanny gig with them. But, after I left, the mom shared with me something her son told her when I first interviewed.

He told his mom, “Mommy, I like that girl because she didn’t make me feel weird for playing with Barbies.” To this day, even just writing those words fills my eyes with big, watery tears. Their mom told me that in other interviews, the people who played with this boy questioned why he played with Barbies and one person even told him it was weird. At 7-years old, an adult woman told this little boy that his choice in toy-play was weird.

It's important that I note that transgender doesn't mean "gay". Gay is a sexual preference, transgender is the gender you truly feel you are, despite your physical attributes. However, transgender and homosexuality can sometimes merge together, depending on the person. This is a subject that shouldn't be taken lightly and can be hard to understand. In fact, I still find myself wrapping my mind around how it is all intertwined, yet different. But, both subjects, are equally important. Regardless of how much or how little they connect to each other for the individual, this stuff matters and we need to stop hiding from it just because it can be confusing or even uncomfortable. 

I tell you this story, because it is this story that truly helped me understand the argument between whether you’re born gay or you become gay. If someone really wants to argue that even a 16-month old just “becomes” transgender out of nowhere, despite all the odds stacked against him- a Catholic family, a family who in the beginning tried to get him involved with boy things and activities, a heterosexual family and a boy who didn’t spend time around many gay people and you’re going to tell me he just became that way- then you are going to have to do a lot of convincing and a heavy amount of research, because I’m not buying it.

I suppose there are acute times in a person’s life, where perhaps they evolve into being gay, or perhaps they become curious. I really don’t know and I don’t have a ton of evidence for it and I’m definitely not against that notion either.  

What I am against, is this notion that in 2013, we are still having this debate. We are still telling people who were literally BORN with the feelings they have that they aren’t allowed the same rights as those of us who are heterosexual.

These days, we don’t look at a person’s skin tone and question whether or not they should vote or marry (and we SHOULDN’T and NEVER should have), we don’t (and NEVER SHOULD) shun someone who is intellectually challenged because they were born or became that way (through an accident, etc), so why, why would we do this for so many who are born gay or transgender or bisexual or maybe even decide over time that they want to be or are?

Why do we decide it’s our right to make that choice for others? Because religion supposedly says so? Because we’re uncomfortable with the idea of it because it’s not how those of us who are heterosexual spend our every day life being?

Listen, I get it. When I was younger, it used to make me feel uncomfortable looking at National Geographic photos of women in parts of Africa with their tops off, because I just wasn’t accustomed to seeing that. But, eventually I learned that in their culture it’s okay, therefore, why should I judge that?

Tell me how being gay or bisexual or transgender is any different? Tell me how being these things is wrong without brining religion into it. Tell me how someone isn’t born this way when you have so much evidence from people who from early ages showed signs that they are and as intelligent, functioning adults in society, are telling us they always knew from an early age that they were/are gay or are a different gender intellectually. Please, help me understand how this is still an argument.

Let me tell you one last thing about this family- this boy that I was a nanny for. He is no longer being raised as a boy. He is now being raised as a girl. This is a family that has stuck together through a very challenging subject and supported their son/brother/sister as well as each other, along the way.

Together, they decided on a girl name for him. They support him in his choice to wear his hair long like a girl, and if I never knew he was a (physically) boy, I’d never even give him a second glance. With long hair, he looks like a girl. He always talked like a girl and always connected more with girls. This boy, somewhere in the process was given a penis and everything else that as a female, he/she connects with.

Her family embraces her and loves her for exactly who she is and how she is. They support her and while there are no doubt, struggles, they embrace those, too and they do it together, as a unit. The best part of all, she is happier than she has ever been. Now tell me, how can you argue that? How can you argue someone’s genuine happiness by allowing them to be exactly who they are and always knew they were?

I recently read a quote from Madonna regarding gay discrimination in which she said, “I don’t know about you, but I can’t take this shit anymore.” I couldn’t agree with her more.

I’m tired of the debate. I’m tired of the lack of rights and for the continual discrimination homosexuals, bisexuals and the transgender community deal with. It needs to stop. It needs to change. With gay marriage being legal in a few states, it seems like we are on the verge. I just hope it stays headed in that direction and hopefully much faster than the track it’s been on, because it’s been too long.

I’ve had enough. I hope you have, too.