One of my favorite moments in life is when a simple conversation turns into an inspiration to write a blog post. Today’s inspiration started with a simple Gmail Chat between one of my dear friends from college. Our conversation had started that day with our shared wanderlust getting in the way of necessary work activities. Talks of, “Let’s go to Tahoe, let’s go to Stagecoach, let’s go to Coachella, you should start thinking about Vegas for the 4th of July.” Yes, that’s how we work- two girls always thinking about the fun that can be had, even if it’s 9 months away. The other unique thing about my friendship with this person is just how much alike we tend to be when it comes to the deeper parts of who we are.
Somehow talks of going to Stagecoach and Coachella turned into a quote being sent my way which then turned into us talking about a shared music love for Ray Lamontagne. I shared with her one of my recent favorite songs by him and admitted that no matter how many times I listen to it, the song nearly brings me to tears- the flow of the lyrics, the meaning behind each word and the connection I make with each of those meanings. She sarcastically (and trust me, I love me some good sarcasm) said, “You’re such a sap.” To which I simply replied, “I know.” The ironic part about this admittance of inner-typical-chick is that for anyone who’s gotten to know me in past years knows I’ve always played, “tough girl”.
As I continued on in my conversation with my friend, I mentioned to her that I’ve come to the realization that I’ve always been a sap on the inside, I’ve just always pretended to be otherwise. When I’ve had my heart broken, I’ve tried to pretend it didn’t bother me, only to find that the more I pretended, the worse I felt and the longer it took to get over it. When I saw something sweet, cute or heart warming, I would brush it off as if it were too girly to react to, only to find myself feeling guilty over the fact that I agreed. When something touched my heart enough to make me feel emotional, I would hold in every tear that even tried to encroach upon my eyes, only to find later they would stream out in the most unlikely of times. When I met a man I really liked and knew I cared for, instead of showing it and admitting it, I typically became someone I wasn’t in order to protect myself from any potential rejection, only to find that usually left me alone.
My friend then said to me, “I’m a sap too and you’re right, as I get older I begin to wonder why bother pretending to be so tough when we should really be wearing our hearts on our sleeves.” And boom, there came the inspiration for this little number you’re reading.
The reality is, I’ve learned that the more time I spent trying to be tough in situations and circumstances that I felt otherwise, the further away I was from who I am on the inside. Now, don’t get me wrong- I know I’m a strong woman and there are times when being tough is important. I mean, working in sports sponsorships isn’t exactly an industry that is conducive for being overly sensitive (thick skin and the ability to let things roll off your shoulders is more or less a requirement for the job), but that doesn’t mean I can’t accept that I have a place inside of me that is inspired by kindness, happiness, romance, tenderness and compassion and the best part about it is the more I’ve begun to accept that this is a part of who I am, the more confident, proud, and happy I feel.
Look at it this way, if on the outside you find yourself saying something that on the inside you instantly know you don’t agree with, but continue to follow what’s being said and done on the outside, then just remember you’re keeping yourself away from a part of you that you should be learning to love. After all, it’s usually best to love the ones you spend the most time with, and if I’m not mistaken whether we like it or not, we spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 12 months a year for however many years we live with none other than: ourselves, so you might as well learn to love, you.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
The Man Who Stole My Heart
My heart is a place I keep near and dear, a place that only a select few males have ever had access to and even then have really only brushed along the surface. The two men who hold the deepest place in my heart are undoubtedly my younger brothers, but this weekend there was one special man who stole it away.
I had just walked out of seeing my favorite movie genre, which may or may not be a surprise to some, is a romantic comedy. As I said goodbye to my movie partner and headed towards the train I thought about the characters in the movie and the storyline and thought to myself, “Everyone should find that kind of love and romance.” As I waited for the train, a man walked up and at that very moment my heart skipped as if I had seen my biggest crush walk into the room. I couldn’t help but instantly smile, because you see, I had actually seen this man before on a train a few weeks ago. This man has a smile that could literally light a dark sky. His eyes show so much kindness and unconditional happiness. While there are a number of reasons one might hold their look at this man for longer than the average glance, the first time I saw him, I held my glance at the character that illuminated from his face.
When I saw this man for the first time on the train a few weeks prior, my fondest memory was not only his smile but his kindness towards others. I’ll never forget when a woman walked onto the train and had a tough time finding a seat, he moved over and motioned for her to sit in the seat next to him- granted it was crowded, but there was still an open seat. She smiled, and he nodded and gave his big, wide smile. He then proceeded to look at her for a moment, but not in a way that was creepy or disturbing but in a way that showed admiration for she was in fact a pretty girl; and then he turned away and continued to smile.
For whatever reason, I couldn’t help but become immersed in wondering about this man. I wondered where he came from, I wondered if he had family, I wondered what his name was, I wondered if anyone took care of him, I wondered what his childhood was like and I wondered if he’d ever been in love and I as I continued to wonder, the train stopped at his drop off and he was gone.
Seeing this man for the second time at the train station literally took my breath away. Not only was it the first person in the six weeks I had been living in San Francisco that I saw one time and ran into for a second, but for some unexplainable reason, I was just excited that it was him! As he walked to wait for the train, he looked up at me and gave me his ear to ear smile and his token nod that read, “Hello, how are you?” I smiled back and said hello. He shook my hand and pointed to my face and gave me a thumbs up. I responded back with, “Thank you!” His smile became even wider, his eyes even brighter and I asked how he was doing, although I knew he couldn’t respond. He nodded happily. At that moment, I didn’t turn away. Instead I locked eyes with him and for the first time in my life I felt like I had a conversation through eyes and smiles all entirely at this point without words. As the train approached, the man with his shaky hand, took mine and slowly, shakily brought it up to his mouth and gave it a kiss, then another, then another. He then smiled and nodded and we made our way onto the train.
Due to the crowded seats on the train, it was at that point we separated. But, we were still in sight of each other. As I sat there with my heart warm, and tears welling up in my eyes- overwhelmed by what I had just experienced. I continued to watch my new friend as he smiled at those who walked by him. I began to feel protective over those who looked at him strangely and I wondered if I’d ever see him again. Then, as the person next to me left, my new friend got up from his seat, came over to me and pointed to the seat next to me. Would you like to sit here? I asked. He nodded and sat, and once again we met eyes. I told him he had a very nice smile and nodded what I gather was a, “Thank you.” He pointed to my mouth and gave me a thumbs up. He then took his hat off, pointed to my head and made a long hair motion and gave me a thumbs up. I responded again with a, “Thank you”. I asked him if he lived nearby and he nodded and motioned his hand up the hill. As we continued on, the train stopped and he pointed that this was his stop. He shot me his token ear to ear, bright and wide smile, took my hand once again and kissed it one last time. He smiled and limped away, down the stairs and out of the train. Then, just like something out of a movie, he tapped on my window and waved goodbye outside of my window, blew me a kiss and walked off into the dark. This time, tears didn’t just fill my eyes, they poured out of them.
As you can probably gather, my new friend (who I was never able to get the name of) was not your average man who could walk and talk like the average person. Because I’m not a professional in the medical field, I couldn’t tell you what his condition was, but it impaired his ability to speak, caused him to shake quite a bit, impaired his ability to hold things and impaired his walking significantly (perhaps Parkinsins?) But, whatever disease was taking over his body, most certainly had not taken over his spirit. I’ve never in my life felt so connected to one person and had one person steal my heart away so quickly without ever saying a word. I hope everyone can have the chance to meet as fantastic of a person as my new friend and I hope our paths cross again- until then, he’ll have my heart wherever he goes.
I had just walked out of seeing my favorite movie genre, which may or may not be a surprise to some, is a romantic comedy. As I said goodbye to my movie partner and headed towards the train I thought about the characters in the movie and the storyline and thought to myself, “Everyone should find that kind of love and romance.” As I waited for the train, a man walked up and at that very moment my heart skipped as if I had seen my biggest crush walk into the room. I couldn’t help but instantly smile, because you see, I had actually seen this man before on a train a few weeks ago. This man has a smile that could literally light a dark sky. His eyes show so much kindness and unconditional happiness. While there are a number of reasons one might hold their look at this man for longer than the average glance, the first time I saw him, I held my glance at the character that illuminated from his face.
When I saw this man for the first time on the train a few weeks prior, my fondest memory was not only his smile but his kindness towards others. I’ll never forget when a woman walked onto the train and had a tough time finding a seat, he moved over and motioned for her to sit in the seat next to him- granted it was crowded, but there was still an open seat. She smiled, and he nodded and gave his big, wide smile. He then proceeded to look at her for a moment, but not in a way that was creepy or disturbing but in a way that showed admiration for she was in fact a pretty girl; and then he turned away and continued to smile.
For whatever reason, I couldn’t help but become immersed in wondering about this man. I wondered where he came from, I wondered if he had family, I wondered what his name was, I wondered if anyone took care of him, I wondered what his childhood was like and I wondered if he’d ever been in love and I as I continued to wonder, the train stopped at his drop off and he was gone.
Seeing this man for the second time at the train station literally took my breath away. Not only was it the first person in the six weeks I had been living in San Francisco that I saw one time and ran into for a second, but for some unexplainable reason, I was just excited that it was him! As he walked to wait for the train, he looked up at me and gave me his ear to ear smile and his token nod that read, “Hello, how are you?” I smiled back and said hello. He shook my hand and pointed to my face and gave me a thumbs up. I responded back with, “Thank you!” His smile became even wider, his eyes even brighter and I asked how he was doing, although I knew he couldn’t respond. He nodded happily. At that moment, I didn’t turn away. Instead I locked eyes with him and for the first time in my life I felt like I had a conversation through eyes and smiles all entirely at this point without words. As the train approached, the man with his shaky hand, took mine and slowly, shakily brought it up to his mouth and gave it a kiss, then another, then another. He then smiled and nodded and we made our way onto the train.
Due to the crowded seats on the train, it was at that point we separated. But, we were still in sight of each other. As I sat there with my heart warm, and tears welling up in my eyes- overwhelmed by what I had just experienced. I continued to watch my new friend as he smiled at those who walked by him. I began to feel protective over those who looked at him strangely and I wondered if I’d ever see him again. Then, as the person next to me left, my new friend got up from his seat, came over to me and pointed to the seat next to me. Would you like to sit here? I asked. He nodded and sat, and once again we met eyes. I told him he had a very nice smile and nodded what I gather was a, “Thank you.” He pointed to my mouth and gave me a thumbs up. He then took his hat off, pointed to my head and made a long hair motion and gave me a thumbs up. I responded again with a, “Thank you”. I asked him if he lived nearby and he nodded and motioned his hand up the hill. As we continued on, the train stopped and he pointed that this was his stop. He shot me his token ear to ear, bright and wide smile, took my hand once again and kissed it one last time. He smiled and limped away, down the stairs and out of the train. Then, just like something out of a movie, he tapped on my window and waved goodbye outside of my window, blew me a kiss and walked off into the dark. This time, tears didn’t just fill my eyes, they poured out of them.
As you can probably gather, my new friend (who I was never able to get the name of) was not your average man who could walk and talk like the average person. Because I’m not a professional in the medical field, I couldn’t tell you what his condition was, but it impaired his ability to speak, caused him to shake quite a bit, impaired his ability to hold things and impaired his walking significantly (perhaps Parkinsins?) But, whatever disease was taking over his body, most certainly had not taken over his spirit. I’ve never in my life felt so connected to one person and had one person steal my heart away so quickly without ever saying a word. I hope everyone can have the chance to meet as fantastic of a person as my new friend and I hope our paths cross again- until then, he’ll have my heart wherever he goes.
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