One of my favorite moments in life is when a simple conversation turns into an inspiration to write a blog post. Today’s inspiration started with a simple Gmail Chat between one of my dear friends from college. Our conversation had started that day with our shared wanderlust getting in the way of necessary work activities. Talks of, “Let’s go to Tahoe, let’s go to Stagecoach, let’s go to Coachella, you should start thinking about Vegas for the 4th of July.” Yes, that’s how we work- two girls always thinking about the fun that can be had, even if it’s 9 months away. The other unique thing about my friendship with this person is just how much alike we tend to be when it comes to the deeper parts of who we are.
Somehow talks of going to Stagecoach and Coachella turned into a quote being sent my way which then turned into us talking about a shared music love for Ray Lamontagne. I shared with her one of my recent favorite songs by him and admitted that no matter how many times I listen to it, the song nearly brings me to tears- the flow of the lyrics, the meaning behind each word and the connection I make with each of those meanings. She sarcastically (and trust me, I love me some good sarcasm) said, “You’re such a sap.” To which I simply replied, “I know.” The ironic part about this admittance of inner-typical-chick is that for anyone who’s gotten to know me in past years knows I’ve always played, “tough girl”.
As I continued on in my conversation with my friend, I mentioned to her that I’ve come to the realization that I’ve always been a sap on the inside, I’ve just always pretended to be otherwise. When I’ve had my heart broken, I’ve tried to pretend it didn’t bother me, only to find that the more I pretended, the worse I felt and the longer it took to get over it. When I saw something sweet, cute or heart warming, I would brush it off as if it were too girly to react to, only to find myself feeling guilty over the fact that I agreed. When something touched my heart enough to make me feel emotional, I would hold in every tear that even tried to encroach upon my eyes, only to find later they would stream out in the most unlikely of times. When I met a man I really liked and knew I cared for, instead of showing it and admitting it, I typically became someone I wasn’t in order to protect myself from any potential rejection, only to find that usually left me alone.
My friend then said to me, “I’m a sap too and you’re right, as I get older I begin to wonder why bother pretending to be so tough when we should really be wearing our hearts on our sleeves.” And boom, there came the inspiration for this little number you’re reading.
The reality is, I’ve learned that the more time I spent trying to be tough in situations and circumstances that I felt otherwise, the further away I was from who I am on the inside. Now, don’t get me wrong- I know I’m a strong woman and there are times when being tough is important. I mean, working in sports sponsorships isn’t exactly an industry that is conducive for being overly sensitive (thick skin and the ability to let things roll off your shoulders is more or less a requirement for the job), but that doesn’t mean I can’t accept that I have a place inside of me that is inspired by kindness, happiness, romance, tenderness and compassion and the best part about it is the more I’ve begun to accept that this is a part of who I am, the more confident, proud, and happy I feel.
Look at it this way, if on the outside you find yourself saying something that on the inside you instantly know you don’t agree with, but continue to follow what’s being said and done on the outside, then just remember you’re keeping yourself away from a part of you that you should be learning to love. After all, it’s usually best to love the ones you spend the most time with, and if I’m not mistaken whether we like it or not, we spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 12 months a year for however many years we live with none other than: ourselves, so you might as well learn to love, you.
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