When I was 18, I found a loved one who had committed suicide.
It was one of the strangest, saddest and honestly, most traumatic days of my life. To this day, that memory hardly feels real. It’s news like the death of Robin Williams that brings that memory back to the surface, in a way that I can barely explain. I guess that’s where writing comes in. I imagine, for anyone else who has experienced suicide, this news probably stirs up old emotions for you, too.
It’s news like this that reminds me what depression is, what it does and what it can do. It also reminds me, just how quickly it can take the lives of the ones we love, when we least expect it.
Robin William’s death is sad and tragic no matter how it happened. It’s a loss for his family and his friends and it’s a loss for his fans. But, what makes this story even harder is when you realize the loss of life comes from such a deeply sad place. A place of such incomprehensible pain, and from a man who brought so much happiness and laughter to so many. THAT is hard.
The suicide of my loved one reminds me a lot of the story of Robin William’s death. The person I found, was someone I never would have suspected was dealing with such a painful place inside. She was one of those people who lit up a room when she walked in. She was loving and kind and had a smile that made everyone around her want to smile.
She was full of love and she spoke in a manner that could soothe anyone. She was the kind of person that everyone should have in their life. And then, one day, she decided she was done.
After her death, I learned that she had battled depression and suicidal thoughts for many years. In fact, this wasn’t the first time she had considered taking her own life. But, what was clear this time, is that she was determined to do it. The way she went about it, was nearly fool proof and she made sure no one would find her until it was too late.
Sometimes I think that the obvious determination in her action is what helps heal that pain. The fact that the place she was in was so horrendously low that she needed to be out of it, almost gives me a sense of peace in her passing. It’s not that I am condoning suicide and I certainly think that there are so many better ways to attempt to manage that pain, but sometimes, it’s the only way to truly heal from such a catastrophically traumatic loss.
Many people call suicide selfish. Selfishness, by definition is the lack of consideration for others.
To the people who lose someone due to suicide, this seems selfish. Because, oftentimes we feel the person committing the act, isn’t considering the immense pain and sadness he/she leaves with their loved ones. The trauma that comes from this loss can last a lifetime and that doesn’t feel considerate.
But, I’ve learned that if you want to move forward from this kind of sadness, you have to do everything you can to put yourself in the shoes of the person dealing with their depression.
Depression doesn’t always understand logic. Depression, at it’s lowest low confuses selfishness with what those of us might call consideration. People in a deep depression, often feel not only would their lives be better off, but so would the lives of those around them. Depression leaves a person feeling so helpless, that they can’t possibly imagine how they could be contributing positively to other people’s lives.
While we, as the loved ones of those who are in a suicidal depression can and will do everything in our power to ensure them that this isn’t the case, that our lives ARE better with them in it, it can be tough to fight words with chemical imbalances.
Think of it like cancer. Cancer is the chemical makeup of cells, replicating faster than the body can keep up with. Depression is the chemical makeup of the brain, in an imbalanced state.
Cancer and depression both come in many different forms. They both have treatments, and if treated early enough, a person can go on to live a happy, healthy life.
Some cancers, like some depressions are more severe than others. Some people are born more prone to cancer or depression. Some people will experience it at least once in their life, some people will deal with it throughout their entire life. Some cancers are preventable and some depressions can even be preventable (in this case, I call each other these, circumstantial).
Cancer can’t just be cured by the power of positive thought, but it certainly needs a positive military around it. Cancer requires a variety of treatment. Depression is no different.
What’s important to know about depression, is that it’s hard to break in and help those who are feeling so low. Sometimes those who are depressed are so ashamed of the way they feel that it’s hard to ask for help, or allow someone to give them help. But, it’s also important to remember that being there is only the first step.
The road to curing depression, or minimizing depression is not easy and rarely short. Similar to cancer- cancer’s road is rarely straight and usually pretty bumpy.
As I look back on the purpose of writing this note, I can’t help but wonder if I really had one. I find myself stuck on whether I should give advice based on personal experience, or whether I should just admit that even though I’m sitting here trying to compare depression to something that most people can comprehend, it’s still kind of incomprehensible.
I guess that means I should probably end this with a little bit of both.
If you’re dealing with your own depression, go to someone you love and trust and talk to them. If you don’t have someone, call the hotline and talk to someone. The people there are there because THEY CARE. Likely because depression and suicide has touched them and they genuinely care about saving your life.
If someone you love is dealing with depression, try to remember that what they are going through, isn’t something they want to be going through. The sadness, the helplessness, the lack of interest, the negative beliefs. They don’t want it, but they don’t know how to stop that feeling. Be there. Research. Be patient.
If you are grappling with the loss of a loved one from suicide, I hope you find peace in knowing that you are truly not alone in your experience. I also hope that you’re able to find some peace in knowing that the place this person was in was a place that, unless we are ourselves are also there, just can’t understand. And that’s ok. Wherever you may be, I hope you find the peace you need to move forward and live a happy and healthy life in their honor.
And if, you, like me have been down this road— join me in spreading a little love and kindness today. I’m doing it for my loved one. I hope you’ll do it for yours.
