Droplets From The Eyes

As a child they rolled down my cheeks as freely as the waterfalls off the side of mountain roads. They’re symbol often meaning, something didn’t happen as I’d hoped.

They followed me throughout my life, from deaths of grandparents, family weddings, to normal childhood strife.

Each one as salty as the last, and temperature that changed ever so fast- warm on the cheek, cold on the fall all the way down to the knee.

But, somewhere through the course of time, these droplets seemed like a personal crime, showing weakness and vulnerability in my mind.

I learned to hold back the drops of emotion, telling myself there’s no place for this river, flood or ocean.

I held them in, through thick and thin, told myself, don’t let them win.

Until one day I made the discovery, that tears are necessary, and not so ugly and to hold them back is not above me.

For tears are made to release the rain of happiness, sorrow and even pain.

So, don’t be afraid to let out your cries, for there’s a reason those droplets come from the eyes.

When Tragedy Strikes

In the wake of the devastation going on in Haiti after their tremendous earthquake that struck last week, and the flow of aftershocks still taunting them, I can’t help but feel compelled to write about something that always leave me a bit curious about, well humanity.

First and foremost, I want to be clear that I undoubtedly agree that we all need to join together during times like these to help our fellow citizens of the world in aiding in whatever way possible, whether that be in a monetary structure, a physical structure or a spiritual structure. One small country can’t do it alone, and with the devastation like they’re facing, they need all the help they can get. But, there are two things that always seem to strike a chord with me when tragedies such as this one in Haiti, the Tsunami is Thailand, the Hurricane in New Orleans, the attack of the Trade Centers, etc, etc occur: 1.) Why in times like these do people feel the need to capitalize on tragic events? And 2.) Why can’t we be like this all the time?

Let’s start with tragic events and the evil monsters in the world who see it as a way to enhance their bank account numbers while toying with people’s vulnerable emotions during sad times. I know it takes all people to make the world go ‘round- even no good doers. But, this is really something I’ll never understand. What really got me going on all of this thought was finding out that a recent campaign geared at American Airlines, stating they’d fly people wanting to help in the Haiti disaster down there to do their part in taking care of those who need it most. Shortly thereafter, we all learned it was a hoax. Granted, I don’t think there was money lost or given in this hoax, but I know it doesn’t stop there. When tragedy strikes, people are always more willing to open up not only their hearts, but their wallets, which in turn creates vulnerability to scams, but that’s what drives me wild- WHY!? Where are the hearts of these people? Sometimes I wish I could just peek inside the mind of someone like this to get a feel for what’s really going on up there, because it just doesn’t make sense to me. Then again, I’m also a firm believer in Karma.

Now, let’s take a look at my other point in this writing- why can’t the world come together as one all the time? I’m sure there have been studies on longevity of open hearts and togetherness and patriotism and how long it lasts after a tragedy strikes. But, it’s something that, while I think it’s fabulous people are at least willing to reach out a helping hand, I wish could be something that sticks in the mind and hearts of others for an infinite amount of time.

I don’t think you ever really forget how you felt on 9/11, or when you saw the devastation in Thailand or New Orleans or when fires ruined entire towns, or when innocent people’s lives are taken and families are left with nothing more than memories and sorrow- you never really FORGET what happened or how it made you feel, yet you do forget the need to reach out and help. That desire to put aside your differences, and hold hands with a stranger, or give money to someone who isn’t connected to you in any way, or send a smile towards someone you aren’t getting along with. Somehow, time passes, and the usual ways of benefiting yourself and your needs always come back into play.

I know it’s life, and whether it’s unfortunate or not, it’s human nature. I just wish there was a way to make human nature a little more bonded on a constant basis without the need for tragic events to make it happen.

A Seattle Girl...

A few things, I decided makes one an official Seattle Girl...

•Owns at least one North Face.

•May feel that Starbucks is really just an evil empire, but still feels a little bit at home whenever she sees one in any other state.

•Has never really understood the grunge thing unless she spent her teens and twenties in the early 90’s and even then, she’s over it.

•Knows flannel is best on sheets.

•Accepts the fact that dating in this city is one big insestual pool. Chances are the man you’re sitting at dinner with has either, been on a date with, slept with, hooked up with, made out with, dated or will do one of the above with someone you know- get over it.

•Hits the tanning bed at least once a year, 9 months without sun is unreasonable.

•Has a vast appreciation for mountains and oceans, lakes, river and streams.

•Knows how to drive on and off of a ferry boat, and the tricks of the trade for keeping busy in ferry lines.

•Is 90% likely to have flown on Alaska Airlines.

•Has some kind of allegiance to either the Huskies or the Cougars, even if she never once attended, or even applied to either school.

•Knows Seattle is better than Portland.

•Calls it Pop not Soda.

•Went to Vancouver, BC for her 19th and/or 20th Birthday.

•Knows what the terms, “My Oh My, 12th Man, and RIP Sonics” all mean.

•Can throw on a dress for a night in Bell Town or jeans, jeans and a t-shirt for a night in Ballard, or something inbetween for a night in Queen Anne or Fremont.

•Thursday nights at Pesos… no matter how many times you’ve sworn it’s douchieness off.

•Avoids the Mercer Mess at all costs.

•Goes to Greenlake for a dog fix and a people watching extravaganza.

•Speaks in cardinal directions, because West means water, East means mountains, and North and South are easily determined so long as you know your compass directions.

•Knows at least one to five people from a Catholic school between Everett and Tacoma and if she went to Catholic school, then by the end of college she knows at least one person from every single Catholic school from Everett to Tacoma.

•Doubles the tax to figure out the appropriate tip.

•Buys her sunglasses at Nordstrom Brass Plum, because chances are they’ve been lost between the months of November and March, and $10 for a cute pair of shades is the best deal in town.

•Avoids Pike Place Market on any sunny day, or any day of the summer unless there’s a friend visiting for the first time.

•Cascades, Olympics, The Sound, The Islands, The Peninsula, The Passes, East of the Mountains can all easily be identified without having to look at a map.

•Knows what it means when one says, “The Mountain is out today”.

•Is okay with wearing shorts on the first 65 degree day in March.

•Probably got her first sunburn of the year on the first 80 degree day in less than 30 minutes.

•Has family all over the state, or at least the Western half.

•Calls it’s I-5, not “THE 5”.

•Can camp, fish, hike, boat and still look good while doing it.

•Escapes to Hawaii, Mexico, Vegas or San Diego for a “quick” sun fix come late winter.

•Learns to appreciate the rain from time to time.

•May not have been to Havasu or MTV Spring Break, but has done Seafair and never felt like she was missing out on anything.

•Loves a good micro brew

•Wakes up first thing in the morning after the news has claimed snow showers over night and is excited by even an inch on the ground… and will more than likely be staying home because of it.

•Was born here, raised here, and even if she moves away for a while, will more than likely die here.

Eyes of Cancer

I should be sleeping, but I can’t. You see, as I snuggled into my bed, turned myself over, scrunched myself into the fetal and shut my eyes, an image from today was the first thing I saw. That image then brought on feelings and thoughts from earlier in the day. Feelings and thoughts that stayed with me for about an hour or so, and then wandered into the oblivion as requests and tasks took on the rest of my thinking power. The image I saw was from a moment that lasted no more than 15 seconds, but I have no doubt will stick with me far long than that.

As I was driving on my lunch break from my work to my house, I drove past the Fred Hutch Cancer Research Center. There are some days I drive past the center, thinking about all the intelligent souls in there working away at putting an end to this God awful illness, but most days I’m just focused on how long it will take everyone making a right turn into the parking lot so I can be on my way to work. A blue minivan pulled out just before me and again I thought nothing of it. As I came along side the van, in the corner of my eye I saw a little boy with his chin to his hand, gazing out the window. I took a quick look and noticed that his head was bald, his eyes were heavy with dark circles and his skin was very fair. It was within milliseconds that it registered: this little boy is battling cancer.

In the quick moment it took for me to look over and make the sudden observation, the boy locked eyes on me and in that moment I felt like I could see all the way down to the core of his soul. I could see the sadness in his face, the fear, the lonliness. I know it seems strange to say you can see so much in such a quick amount of time, but it was almost impossible not to. I quickly turned away and back at the road, and as his car moved forward continued to look, as he kept his gaze to the ground outside. That’s when the flood of thoughts came rushing.

I couldn’t help but wonder if he had just come from the Hutch with bad news, or perhaps he’d just left the Hutch School and didn’t have a good day, just like any other kid who sometimes doesn’t have a good day at school. I wondered what kind of cancer he had, wondered how old he was when he found out, wondered what his name was, where he was from (although the minivan had an Everett frame around the plate). I began to felt a sense of comfort knowing that if they were in fact from up North, they were lucky to be near the Hutch given his circumstances.

I then began to think about what he must be going through. I couldn’t help but feel angry all of the sudden, and in fact, that’s the feeling I had when I shut my eyes and the image came to mind- anger. It just seems to wrong that something beyond the control of anyone, yet a child for that matter can consume a person. It just pisses me off that this boy, who already had to deal with the ins and outs of being a child, yet still have that freedom and energy that comes with it, had them both ripped away to chemo and cancer research centers (although they are wonderful and do great things).

I started to think about how many people in the world and even in my life alone cancer affects or has affected, but something kept bringing me back to that little boy and that look in his eye, the expression on his face and the placement of his hands on his chin. I wish I had smiled at that little boy. I wish instead of pretending like I didn’t look over at him, for fear he’d think I was staring at him because he was bald, I had smiled and maybe for at least that moment, it could’ve brought a smile to his face.

So, whoever that little boy is, and wherever he is tonight- he’s got a chick in Queen Anne smiling for him.

Oh Ego, Where Art Thou?

Everyone has them. Some are big, some are small, some are situational and some are present in every interaction with every human being or act. Some make us laugh, some make us cry, some make us crazy and some are just plain obscene. Some of us depend on them to get by, some of us can’t quite figure out where they came from. Some of us can learn to let go of them, even if for a moment and some of us wouldn’t know who we are without them- it’s the one part of personalities that think directly affects why people portray themselves the way they do, it’s none other than: the ego.

The ego is one of those things I’ve really taken some time to think about in the last few years. Perhaps it’s been my on again off again love affair with yoga and being told time and time again to let go of the ego and just move, bend, flex, hold and breathe that brought me to the understanding. Maybe it was taking time to observe people in certain situations, whether it be in a bar, at a coffee shop, walking around town, shopping, airports, work- you name it. Realistically it was probably a combination of those and probably an analysis of my own ego that brought it all to light.

Egos really are a funny thing. They’re like our own personal wall created to block out anything that might make us feel discomfort, while in turn egos, in my opinion really only add to the discomfort everyday life can bring. Sometimes I think perhaps there’s a link between egos and testosterone levels as it seems that it’s often the ones with higher levels come with bigger egos- almost like the more emotionally in touch you are with yourself and others, the less you’re ego gets in the way. I’m not a scientist or biologist or doctor, or psychologist for that matter, so I don’t really know. But, It sure seems like there’s a connection.

The funny thing about egos is where the line is drawn between confidence and egotistic behavior. Where is that balance when the ego is a bit over confident? Sure, confidence is sexy, and it’s important that we all learn to be confident with who we are, but sometimes I think one mask people make in their lack of self-confidence or their insecurities is through overbearing egos. You know what I’m talking about- the kind of person who walks around thinking they’re above others, only interacts with those they feel are “worthy” of their interaction or to their “level”. Those who bring others down as if they are any better that that person. The people do kind things for others, only for the benefit they receive.

But, there’s another side to egos that always strike me. There’s the ego I believe comes from hiding insecurities and there’s the ego that comes from success- both of which are always a turn off for me when meeting people. There’s also nothing worse than those who know they are fortunate, flaunt it and throw themselves so high up on their pedestal that at the end of the day they probably don’t even know who they really are deep down inside.

I personally know when my ego comes out to play, because it often becomes the time when I forget to absorb what’s going on in the lives of the people around me or close to me. The moments when I feel myself caring what others think, whether it be about my work, my writing, what I’m wearing, how I look. Sure, parts of this are all normal, but I like that I can actually pin point when it’s present.

If there’s one thing I wish I could see more of in the world it’s seeing people take a step back from their inner world, seeing what that ego is for them, giving some thought to how big it is and when it does arise and learning to just let it go. Then again, sometimes I wonder if that would make life and interacting with others just too easy for some- and as we all know, some people just can't handle things being easy.

Men vs. Women and Vice Versa

I think many would agree with me that one of the greatest mysteries about humans is the differences between men and women. No, not the difference in body structure or biological abilities, but the deeper level of men and women. The mystery that leaves women complaining that they don’t understand men and men complaining that they don’t understand women, thus turning men into assholes and women into a bunch of crazies. Now, while I’m not suggesting that my theory on all of this answers exactly why men can be jerks and women can be nuts (because I think there are a whole lot of other factors involved in personalities and actions), I do think I have a fairly decent understanding of how men and women can come to a common ground- should they care to try.

I could probably write a book on this, and I know many have. But, I think there’s a simple way of putting all of this together. I’m going to put one thing out there that men will applaud me for saying and women will glare me down for. However, it’s a reality I am not afraid to admit and no woman should be ashamed of (mostly because to a certain extent, we can’t help it!) Women really do complicate things. There I said it. Women are complicated creatures filled with emotions, complex thoughts, an increase in roles within society (not complaining, just saying, we’re at a place in life where biology and society have met their matches and we ladies are just trying to figure out the balance… it’s still a good thing). When it comes down to it, women are more emotional, more hormonal and far more in touch with intellectual instincts. In my opinion, this is a great gift- as long as  you know how to use it properly.

On the other hand, you’ve got men. Men are simple. And, I don’t mean that in a bad way, just an honest way. Men are really simple creatures when it comes down to it. Sure, they have emotions and thoughts, all of which are just as important as a woman’s, but at the end of the day what works for men and what works for women are different, and what works for men is really not all that complicated.

Here’s my thoughts, most of which are based on experience or observation of others regarding just how simple and with a little work on ourselves, easy men can be to deal with (men, I’ll get to you in a minute). First of all, when someone said all men care about is sex, that wasn’t necessarily true, but it wasn’t necessarily false either. Let’s put it this way ladies- if a man thinks your cool, wants to get to know you, he will (so long as you’re keeping your complicatedness in check). But, if you don’t share all the great aspects of you with him before sharing your skills in the bedroom, odds are he’s probably not going to take the time to see those other great qualities in you. Doesn’t seem fair now does it? It’s not, but life’s not fair. But, one thing I have begun to learn is, it’s not necessarily a mans “fault”, I really just think that’s the way they’re wired. It’s like some sort of enzyme or gene they have and evolution just hasn’t rid them of it yet J

There’s another aspect to all of this as well. Men don’t like complicated. Sometimes they’ll put up with it, but only for so long. Think about it, no one who likes things simple, wants complication, and no one who likes complication feels comfortable when things are simple. Men are not fond of the mind reading game we play on them, you know what I’m talking about- the good old passive aggressive ways of, “Something’s wrong, so I’m going to be quiet and show that I’m mad, not tell you what it is, make you ask over and over, get mad because you aren’t just coming out with it, and then we have a whole different problem on our hands.” You know that game, ladies- we’ve almost all played it and almost all men have experienced it. Newsflash, men aren’t mind readers. Sure, some are smart, some are not, and you’re even more screwed if he’s not very intelligent, so buck up and talk to him. Breathe it out, take a yoga class, take a walk and then talk it out.

Okay, next complicated issue for the ladies, I forgot about the part where men don’t always like to talk. Now, I think if you’re in a healthy enough relationship and you’ve connected enough with a man, they will. However, bugging a dude over and over again to try to get an answer isn’t going to solve it either. Put your cards on the table, let him know what’s up, let him know you’d like to have a conversation about whatever it is that’s on your mind when he’s ready and give him some time. If he doesn’t come around, then be upfront that it’s important to you to discuss it and if still doesn’t, then maybe it’s time to reevaluate whatever situation you’re in.

Now, men- just because I’m making it sound like women need to do all the work because men are so, “simple”, don’t think you’re off the hook. If you like a chick, if you know you’ve got a solid girl on your hands, don’t make the mistake of letting her complicatedness cause you to run the other way. I like to think I’m a fairly cool, levelheaded chick, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t pestered a man in the past for answers when I didn’t understand a shift in behavior. That doesn’t mean I haven’t felt bitter towards men because of their actions. But, that also doesn’t mean I haven’t taken the time to check myself and figure out why these things have gone down. I also don’t think the couple of men this occurred with also ever took the time to walk a minute in my flip flops for a moment to think about where I may have been coming from. And, had either of us put ourselves in each others rubbah slippas- perhaps the initial connection felt by all would’ve blossomed (although, I’ll say I’m happier now that they didn’t).

Men, women and our complicatedness may be annoying, but at the end of the day it’s what makes us who we are. All that wiring we have going on isn’t really something we can change, just like you’re lack of complex wiring isn’t something you can change either (and I mean lack of on the emotional complexity level, don’t think I’m trying to hate). When a woman gives you the cold shoulder, sometimes all it takes is a simple, “I know you’re mad, and I want to figure out why, but I can’t read your mind, so please just be upfront with me, and I’m willing to talk about it.” But, you really gotta be willing, and ladies, if a guy does that you better take the opportunity while you can, because if you let your stubbornness or any attitude get in the way, all you’re going to do is cause him to never go down that route again.

So, what’s the moral of this message? Well, don’t give up the goods if a dude hasn’t figured out the package of goods that comes along with it. Ladies, understand that there’s no need to overanalyze, over question, over do anything, all it does is over complicate and we don’t need more of that in our little worlds. Men, just accept us for or complicatedness and realize, as annoying as it may be- it’s just because we care.

It's Okay To Be Single!

Recently, I was on a trip to Vegas with some friends and friends of friends. While sitting at a table in one of the fancy nightclubs, one of them (after a bit of liquid courage) pulled me aside and posed a question. He said, “I by no means want you to take this the wrong way, and it’s not some kind of pick up line, I’d honestly like to know, why is a girl like you single?” He proceeded to share with me the reasons it didn’t make sense to him, which were all very kind and flattering. So, I answered him with a bit of the tid bits I’m about to share with you.


First things first, like I said- the comments he shared were flattering and much appreciated and while I am a woman who knows my worth, who strives to be the best person I can be, I’m well aware of my faults and well aware that there may even be faults that I am still blind to. So, let’s just get that out of the way before we move on. Registered? Okay great…

As I took the flattery and shared my appreciation, I let him know a few things. First of all, the person he was standing there talking to and the person who is sitting here writing this has taken some time, energy and valiant effort to get to this place. Why? Well, because I’m one of those people who looks at the world around me, takes in those around me, decides who I do and don’t want to me, takes a look at myself and says, “No thanks, yes please, let’s see how I can make that happen”, towards the things in life I strive to be and not to be.

Second of all, although I know some people will look at the length of time I’ve spent dating versus the length of time since my last serious relationship and say, “Wow”, I look at it and say, “What’s wrong with that?” What’s wrong with taking the time to know what it is you truly want? What’s wrong with realizing what it is you deserve and not settling for less than that? What’s wrong with taking a look at yourself and figuring out who you want to be in a relationship? What’s wrong with ensuring that you’re living your life up to your standards and not letting the worry about being in a relationship get in the way of that? What’s wrong with being patient and letting those things come and take their course?

Did I always think this way? Eh, mostly. I would say the one thing that’s taken me time to realize is patience in the single life is essential. It’s great to know your worth, great to never settle for less than what you know you deserve and great to work towards being a good person for a potential significant other. However, patience is hands down the hardest part of all. Why is it so hard? Well, DUH we want these wonderful people to walk into our world immediately, because we know just how wonderful they will be! But, the one thing we can’t do, is try to make the ones that seem like they have the potential to be them, become that person. Because, if you ask me, the minute you do that is the minute you end up in heartbreaks, and repetitive dating cycles.

So, why am I single? Well, as I looked around the fancy Vegas nightclub and watched the men and women around me, interacting with each other in the oh so Vegas-esque ways, I simply said in more or less words- Until I meet the right fit for me and I’m the right fit for him, single will be the right fit for me.

Have You Ever?

Another oldie, but goodie written over the summer:

Have you ever…
-Stopped worrying about what others might think, say or do and did something because it mattered to you?

-Watched a sunset long enough to see the colors change and mold together with complete intrigue and fascination?

-Taken the time to talk to a stranger, a homeless person or someone less fortunate than you?

-Gone on a trip all by yourself and been completely content without the slightest feelings of lonliness?

-Loved someone with all your heart?

-Had the kind of best friends who know you better than anyone? The kind of friends who respect you, care for you, love you and cherish you as you do them? The kind of friends who people compliment you on because they are such wonderful people?

-Believed in something so much and worked for something so hard and put as much positive energy into something as humanly possible, that you actually achieved the goal you were reaching for?

-Had your heart broken, with the pieces all over the floor and still managed to pick them all back up and put them all back into place again?

-Learned to sincerely and unconditionally forgive someone for even the most unimaginable and hurtful of acts?

-Noticed the different smells that come with each changing season?

-Quieted the mind enough that you literally had no thoughts?

-Stopped to think about all the people in your life who have gone above and beyond for you from your childhood until now?

-Thought about your favorite teacher(s) or the teacher(s) who inspired you most or helped you most, and taken a moment to thank them… even if it was years later?

-Looked into the eyes of a child and felt like there was a wise soul looking back?

-Accepted rejection and moved on?

-Snuggled with someone you adore all night and all the next day and felt like you couldn’t imagine being anywhere else?

-Tried something that scared you and discovered A.) There’s a reason it scares you, or B.) Learned it’s not so bad after all?

-Avoided making any plans and letting things spontaneously happen only to discover that it was the most enjoyable time you’d had in a while?

-Learned to just let it go.

-Laid on a beach and let the sand stick to your skin, the wind blow through your hair and the sun radiate your skin and looked out onto the ocean without anything in sight for miles, and felt completely care free?

-Dealt with enough trials in life to make you strong, understanding, mature and aware?

-Listened to a song and felt like you could connect with every single lyric?

-Put others before yourself in a healthy manner?

-Realized what your faults are and embraced them, even if you know there’s still worked to be done?

-Overcome obstacles you never thought you could break through and maybe even had them return only to discover that it’s even easier the second time around?

-Looked back at a time when you wanted something so badly and it never happened and at that present moment were thankful it didn’t work out?

-Volunteered not because you earned something for it, but because you genuinely cared about the mission behind action?

-Laughed until your stomach hurt and looked around you to discover that the people who helped create that laughter are the kind of people you couldn’t imagine not knowing?

-Missed someone so much that your heart felt tight and your stomach felt knotted?

-Looked at yourself in the mirror, not because you wondered how you or something on you looked, but instead took a moment to see yourself in a way you’ve never taken the time to truly analyze and see?

-Changed your beliefs  because you actually stopped to think about what mattered and made sense to you, not simply what others have you told you is the way to believe?

-Just cried without holding back, even if it’s something you’re not accustomed to?

-Been truly passionate about something from day one and know it’ll be your biggest passion until the day your soul moves on?

-Decided that things like celebrities, lots of money, expensive/designer clothes, top of the line cars and phones and purses and whatever else our society tells us is so important, really doesn’t matter at all?

-Taken care of your body and felt like a different person a couple weeks later and from there on out?

- Smiled over a happy thought, a moment of nostalgia, or for no reason at all?

-Complimented a stranger or been complimented by a stranger and thought about how good both situations made you feel afterwards?

-Opened your heart, even if it took some work?

-Helped someone you didn’t know because you knew they needed it?

-Slept under the stars and thought about what a small part of the world you really are when you stop to take a look at the world and people around you, you realized that all the little things that overcome your thoughts or actions are really insignificant in such a huge universe?

-Seen the words, “This Too Shall Pass”, and known that it’s always true?

I have. And, because I have done and experienced these things, I am who I am today- stronger, wiser, more understanding, more mature and more aware; yet, with the realization that there’s far more things to experience and discover and all of them will only add to that person I am today, on the inside and out. Have you?